Going Soft
by Metallic Ghost
Summary: If there are so many warm faces, why are there so many cold hearts? Fllay is disliking the new Coordinator more and more with every passing moment. Ever since that first embrace... Chapter 5 uploaded 3-29-05.
1. Remember

This is my first-ever fanfic, unless you count the ones that I've written that don't go with any certain shows. Well, part of it, anyway. Things keep getting in my way. Like the fact that I've been multi-tasking for the past week. Any who. Well, here it is. Hope you like it. The story does go along the lines of Gundam Seed. Also, thanks to Gundam Seed Net for having a list of the characters so I could reference! I had no clue about how some of the names were spelled. Please note: The only person I own here is Kaya. I do not and never will own Gundam Seed or any of the other characters or gundams. Also, please let me know if I make any mistakes as far as the facts go, especially during any of the fights or flashbacks. Thanks! This is my first fanfic, so please rate it and review it. Oh, and you may not understand the title now, but it will all fall into place soon enough. That does remind me: I got a few reviews for this fanfic which gave certain suggestions:

Chibi Fyrefly- I do fully understand the fact that it is Ensign now; I didn't know that before. However, I'll leave it up to the people who review this story to decide whether I should leave it as Anson or change it. (That's another thing I ask of you, if you have an opinion and would like to share it go ahead!) Thanks for the review.

CrimsonEnchantress- Thanks for your review. I've submitted a review to your Cinderella story explaining what you pointed out, and hopefully I'll have the mistakes corrected before the weekend is over.

These suggestions are being put into practice as quickly as they can. Hopefully after I make the changes it will be easier to understand. Also, CrimsonEnchantress asked about descriptions, and upon another re-edit, descriptions will be added. For now, I'll give Kaya's(you'll find out who she is later in the story) description. I know things are easier to understand if you have some sort of visual. Oh, one more thing. There may be a few spoilers in this story, but if there are I haven't found them yet.

Character Bio:

Name: Kaya Misumi

Age: 16

Height: 5' 4"

Gundam Piloted: When Kaya does pilot the gundam in battle, it is usually the Strike, with Kira's close watch. That's how she ended up how she did in the first chapter in the first place. Other than that, she pilots the Sky Grasper.

Hair: black with silver streaks

Eyes: midnight blue

Uniform: Same as Fllay's and Miriallia's. The pink, white, and black one with knee socks and . . . I guess you could call them moccasins.

Other: Kaya wears a necklace around her neck with the Japanese sign for life suspended from the silver chain. As far as her attitude goes: she's a really nice girl, but Kaya is also very sensitive about death, as her father died when she was ten. So far, she's never experienced SEED-mode(or "_berserker-mode_," as some call it), but that will change.

**Chapter One:** Remember

_History of current time in Gundam Seed fanfic: At the present time, Naturals and Coordinators are still in battle with each other as the war rages on with no end in sight. Emotions are running high between the crew on the Archangel of the Earth Alliance and the ones aboard the Laurasia Class of Zaft. During a fight between Zaft mobile suits Blitz, Buster, Duel, and Aegis and Earth Forces mobile suits Mobius Zero and Strike, a new addition to the Archangel- a coordinator known as Kaya Misumi- is piloting the Strike with Kira Yamato's close guidance. However, when all Zaft gundams but the Buster take the Strike on during an attempt to severely damage the Archangel(which is monitored and cancelled by Mwu la Fraga in the Mobius Zero), Kaya becomes overwhelmed by certain tasks which she cannot perform quickly enough and the confined space inside the Strike. Kira is forced to take over and both sides retreat, having sustained heavy damage. Now, as Kira tries to keep control of these sudden events, he becomes mixed up in emotions and begins to think about others' perspective on the war as well as his own_ . . .

Two of the closest friends in the whole world.

The memory came back to her now, but it was fading faster than the sunlight at dusk. The face she had thought never to be forgotten dying slowly, cast away from her by the problems she had experienced and witnessed, in others as well as herself.

_No_, she thought, _no, you can't leave me. I need you _. . . _now more than ever_ . . . _please don't leave me _. . .

"Kira . . . " The word, inaudible to others in the room, escaped from her lips without her knowing it, she was so deep in her sleep and slipping deeper with every second.

He was laughing, a bright, comforting smile on his face . . . why couldn't she remember him? Kira Yamato had always been there for her, so kind and compassionate, serious when he needed to be, a joker when he didn't . . . if only she could see him again, look into his eyes.

"She's drenched in sweat, what should we do?"

"Shh, you'll wake her. For now, we can only try to keep her hydrated, and if we can bring her fever down, it should help tremendously."

"That accident came at a really bad time, I'm worried about her." Kira whispered.

"Don't worry, Kira. Kaya has a strong heart, she's a coordinator like you," the doctor reassured him. "You may come back and visit her in a few hours. In the meantime, you should get some rest. That was a hard battle you fought against Zaft. If anything arises, I'll let you know." Kira nodded and left the room silently.

_You have no idea how hard, _he thought, walking back to his room. _I almost killed one of my best friends_.

"Athrun . . . "

Fllay ran up to Kira, embracing him tightly. "Oh, Kira, thank goodness you're all right! Captain Murrue wouldn't tell me what happened . . . I saw you out there fighting. Defending us all . . .

Kira's expression revealed shock, but it soon faded. He lowered his eyes, wrapping his arms around her. "Oh, Fllay. I'm sorry," he said quietly. Fllay looked at him. "Kira, what are you sorry about? What happened?"

Kira sighed. "Fllay, I-" He stopped, unable to say what had happened to Kaya. Choking back tears, Kira pulled away.

"Kira. What is it? What's wrong?" Fllay asked, reaching out for him. Kira stepped gently away from her hand.

"I-I'm not in the mood right now, Fllay." He opened the door to his room and stepped inside, shutting it. Kira wanted to be alone. For now. Fllay pulled her hand back, staring at the door.

_Sorry I couldn't protect you when I should have. Sorry that we all have to go through this. Sorry that we're still fighting this war when the only thing we're accomplishing is the committed murder of others. Athrun . . . _

Kira fell back onto his bed, closing his eyes. He suddenly felt sick as flashes of other fights returned to him, haunting him. His battles before Kaya had come. It seemed like forever ago. "Go away," he whispered, but they would not.

_Kira took a hard blast upwards, the thrusters on the Strike kicking in fast. The Aegis followed his every move, Athrun inside it._

_"Face it! You're one of us, Kira!" Athrun yelled over the radio. Kira frowned. "No! I won't join Zaft!" he yelled back, turning and firing at the Aegis. It dodged smoothly and paused in midair. Athrun seemed to be considering something. There was nothing on the radio for a long time. Finally, Athrun spoke._

_"Fine then. If you won't join Zaft, Kira . . . I'm left with no choice. I'm going to have to take you down. For good."_

_Fllay was crying into someone's shoulder, Kira couldn't tell who it was. He was standing there, along with some of his friends and others he also didn't see._

_Fllay glared at him angrily. "You didn't try to stop them or protect us," she cried, tears forming as she looked into his eyes. "It's because you're a coordinator, too!"_

Kira remembered the shock he'd felt when she said that, wondering how she had known. And it hurt.

Now, in the present, Kira sighed and turned over to face the wall, staring out the window into endless space.

_Athrun . . . why did you join Zaft?_ The answer was probably simple. It was probably for the same reason Kira had joined the Earth Forces. Kira felt obligated to protect the people on the Archangel, as he had stated to Athrun in another previous battle . . .

_"Kira! Why are you still fighting against me? Why are you protecting the Archangel?!" Athrun yelled. _

_Kira frowned. "I feel obligated to protect the people on that ship," he replied softly, activating his thrusters and attacking the Aegis. His voice grew louder as he spoke again, delivering a sharp blow to Athrun's mobile suit, "My friends are on that ship!"_

A light knock on Kira's door made him open his eyes. "Come in." The door opened, and there stood Cagalli, amber eyes and all. She floated in as Kira sat up, turning to her.

"Hey, Kira. I saw your battle with Athrun and the others. I'm sorry about Kaya. I . . . I don't really know what to say about the whole thing," she said, sitting down beside him. Kira sighed.

"You don't have to say anything. It's okay," he lied, even though in his heart Kira knew it was far from okay. He was fighting his best friend-his childhood best friend-and it was keeping him from the ones he loved.

Cagalli smiled slightly, standing up and walking to the door, then pausing. "Well, I just had to make sure you were okay. You've been fighting for a while now with the Earth Forces, and it seems to make you . . . different." She sighed. "Watch out for yourself, okay? The Archangel can't afford to lose one of its best fighters," she said, then continued out. Kira stared after her.

_She's right. I can't keep fooling myself into thinking it's okay. Because it isn't. It never will be, not until the war is over._

Kira turned away from the door, his head down as the tears came.

_The little girl_ . . . _she gave me that flower, and I_ . . . _I couldn't_ . . .

_"I'm scared," the little girl whispered, staring out the window. Fllay bent down and pulled the girl into a hug, looking up at Kira. The girl looked up as well._

_"Don't be scared. Kira will save us. He'll protect us all." She smiled. The little girl laughed and gave him the small pink flower. "Really?" "Really."_

Kira hit the wall with his fist angrily, his teeth clenched as angry tears slid down his face. "I couldn't . . . I didn't protect them like I said I would . . . I . . . "

_"OPEN YOUR EYES, KIRA!!! You don't belong with the Earth Forces! You're only holding off the inevitable!" Athrun yelled. _

_"What am I supposed to do? Stand aside and let you destroy innocent lives? I can't let them just die like that! It isn't right!" Kira screamed back. _

_"Kira! You are a coordinator, you belong with us!" _

_"I'm not going to join Zaft! EVER!!"_

Kira looked up. The flower was no longer there, as it used to be. It had been lost in an extreme battle a while ago.

He shrugged off the memories as his feeling of unease dicipated slightly. He floated out of his room into the hall and turned left, deciding to go down to the docking bay. On his way, he ran into Mwu la Fraga and stopped in the hall.

"Hey kid. You look a little distressed, everything all right?" he asked, stepping back to look Kira over. Kira did not turn away.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he responded.

"That was some battle you fought. Oh, the doctor told me to tell you . . . " Fraga stopped, then continued. "Kaya's awake."

Kira ran down the hallway, altering his original course. "Thanks!" he called to Fraga, who was left staring after him.

"That kid's definitely got a big heart."

Kira opened the door and stepped inside, colliding with the second in command. He stood up quickly and helped her up. "Lieutenant Badgiruel," he said quickly, saluting. She saluted him as well and dropped her hand by her side.

"Anson Yamato. Glad to see you can still walk." Kira stared at her for a second, then blinked.

"I'm sorry about what happened earlier, I-"

"Just don't let it happen again." She walked out of the room crossly. Kira stared after her, then sighed and lowered his eyes.

"Don't mind her, she isn't herself today," the doctor smiled, putting a hand on his shoulder. "She was just yelled at for not giving you orders to retreat earlier."

Kira looked up at him. "Yes, sir." He turned to the bed that Kaya rested on.

"Kira!" she cried, wrapping her arms around him. "I'm so glad, I . . . I thought I would never see you again."

Kira returned the hug and smiled. "I'm glad you're all right," he responded.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be? I can't just let you fight on your own, it wouldn't seem right." Kaya laughed.

At that moment, the door opened and Fllay walked in, perhaps by coincidence. She stopped immediately, her eyes intently focused on Kira and Kaya. They both released each other and turned to Fllay.

Fllay frowned, staring at Kira with a second of hate, then tore out of the room, her teeth clenched. Kira stood up and ran after her. "Fllay, wait, I-"

Kaya put her hands in her lap and watched, blinking her midnight blue eyes.

_What's going on between those two? _she thought, standing up and walking out of the room.

"Fllay, wait, please! Let me explain!" Kira cried, running after her. They entered the café, where Sai, Miriallia, Kazui, Cagalli, and Mwu la Fraga were seated eating. They looked up as soon as Kira and Fllay had run inside. Fllay stopped at a table and turned around, an angry look on her face.

"Explain what, that you've been cheating me?" she yelled angrily. Then she embraced him and began crying. "Kira . . . I love you, I can't believe you would do something like that! I worry about you when you're fighting, always! I. ." She broke down, sobbing into the shoulder of his uniform. Kira put his arms around her lightly but did not return the embrace.

"Fllay," he said softly, his purple eyes downcast, "Let's stop this. It isn't like that. It's never been that way. Not between us, and not with her. Kaya is a long-term friend, I've known her for a while now."

Fllay pulled away from him, glaring. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, her voice shaking. "You don't love me?" Then before Kira could answer, she slapped him across the face and ran out of the room to her quarters, angry tears streaming down her face. Everyone watched Kira. Fraga whistled.

"Kira, what happened?" Sai asked, standing up as he focused his eyes on Kira with concern. His face was pulled into a light frown.

Kira lowered his gaze to the floor and sighed, not saying anything.

_Fllay_ . . .

_"You didn't try to stop them or protect us . . . It's because you're a coordinator, too!"_ Fllay's voice echoed in Kira's head again.

"Kira." Sai said, more firmly. Kira looked up. "Sai. I-"

"Don't." Sai walked out of the room stiffly. The door closed behind him, and Kira sat down slowly, putting his head in his hands.

_I guess Sai still has feelings for Fllay._

Cagalli stood up and walked over to the table he was at, sitting down and watching him for a long time. "Kira," she said softly, studying his face. He did not respond. "Kira, what's going on?" Kira tightened his grip. Cagalli frowned. "Kira, answer me!" Still Kira did not respond.

"Cagalli, let him alone," Fraga said, taking the bite of pasta he'd had poised in the air and swallowing, "He's had a rough day." Cagalli leaned back in her chair and sipped a soda, continuing to study Kira's face.

_All these emotions aren't going to help me fight, but . . . I can't help it. Fllay thought . . . she . . . Kaya and I are only friends, nothing more. I just wish Fllay would believe that . . . _

At that moment, Kaya entered the café and smiled. "Hi, everyone!"

"Ah, so the sleeping beauty finally awakes," Fraga said, returning the smile. "You were out for quite some time. Kira-" He stopped and returned to his meal.

Kaya looked at Fraga, then turned her gaze to Kira. "I heard the argument," she said quietly.

Kira looked up.

"I'm sorry, Kira. I didn't realize that you were . . . " she trailed off, sitting down. "Please forgive me."

Kira sighed. "We're not. We never were. Fllay just thought that we were. Don't be sorry," he said, standing up. "It wasn't your fault."

They were interrupted as an alarm went off and the Lieutenant's voice sounded over the loudspeaker. "All hands, level one battlestations! Anson Yamato and Mwu la Fraga, please report to the docking bay at once!" Everyone stood up and ran out of the room. Fraga and Kira exchanged glances and followed the others, taking a left instead of continuing on.

"Hey, good luck, kid," Fraga said, putting on his helmet and jumping into the cockpit of the Mobius Zero, moving into position.

Kira nodded, "Thank you." He placed the turquoise and white helmet over his own head and jumped into the cockpit of the Strike, also getting into position. Fraga launched.

"This is the Strike, ready for launch."

"Strike, you're clear for launch. Good luck." Mariallia's voice responded over the radio in a clear tone. Kira could tell she wasn't worried.

The Strike pushed forward and floated away from the Archangel into space. Kira activated the thrusters and examined the screen.

"Kira, we've detected three gundams headed your way. The Buster, Duel, and Aegis. They're about thirty degrees east of you," Sai's voice crackled over the radio.

Kira nodded and turned east, continuing to watch the screen in front of him. There were the three gundams of Zaft, just as Sai had said. Kira frowned.

_Dearka, Yzak, and Athrun_, he thought, watching them. _They're probably going to try and take down the Archangel . . . I have to protect the ship._

Suddenly, all the Gundams moved in different directions. The Buster went to the right toward the Archangel, the Duel went left a little ways behind the Strike, and the Aegis- _not surprisingly_, Kira thought- headed straight for him. Kira manipulated the controls to the Strike quite well, pulling the beam saber and wielding it. Just before the Aegis reached the Strike, it turned up sharply, causing the Strike to back up.

Kira tightened his grip on the controls as a strong force hit the Strike from behind. Turning around, Kira saw that it was the Duel gundam. The Strike had been attacked with the Duel's beam saber. His eyes widened as Yzak laughed.

"I wish I could see the face of the Strike pilot right now," he laughed. "Yzak, stay focused," came Athrun's voice.

The Strike turned and attacked the Duel, causing something crucial to blow up. "Quickly Yzak, return to the ship!" Athrun yelled.

"No way! I'm not finished yet!" Yzak responded angrily, attacking the Strike. Strike managed to move out of its way.

"Hey, kid!" someone yelled. Kira looked up as a video message appeared on the screen. It was Fraga in the Mobius Zero gundam. "Hey, kid, you all right?" he asked.

Kira nodded. "Fine."

"Look out!" Fraga yelled. Kira turned just in time to see the Aegis pull the beam saber and slash it at the Strike. He held up the shield and was barely able to block the attack.

"You okay?" Fraga yelled as the Strike flew backwards. Kira opened his eyes.

"Stop worrying about me, get the one heading for the Archangel!" he yelled back. Fraga nodded and turned the gundam.

The Duel was headed for the Mobius Zero, and there was no time for warnings. Kira was busy enough with the other mobile suit, the Aegis. It was all he could do to keep the attacks off, let alone attack himself.

Finally, there was an open chance as the Mobius fired at the Duel, distracting Athrun. Kira took the chance and flew at the Aegis, striking it. Athrun cursed as the saber sliced across Aegis's saber, knocking it out of the mobile suit's hand.

On the Archangel, things were slightly calmer. Fllay, Cagalli, and Kaya were watching on the screen in the control room, or at least trying. Fllay kept glaring at the screen and Kaya seemed to have momentarily spaced out. Every so often, one of the second commanders would report something.

"Captain, mobile suits Duel and Buster are attacking the ship!" Sai cried once. Fllay, Cagalli, and Kaya snapped back to attention as the Lieutenant spoke up.

"Ready missiles," she ordered. "Missiles ready," came Kazui's voice. "FIRE!" the Lieutenant yelled, and the command was put into practice. Seven missiles were sent into space toward the mobile suits.

The Duel backed up, but the Buster was hit with two missiles. Three more missiles headed toward the Strike and Aegis.

"Yamato, get out of there!" the Lieutenant yelled. Kira retreated quickly as the missiles exploded.

"Nice work, kid," Fraga said.

"Dearka, Yzak, come on. We have to retreat," Athrun's voice echoed over the radio. All three Gundams retreated quickly, and the Mobius and Strike returned to the Archangel.

In the docking bay, Kira climbed out of the cockpit of the Strike and floated down close to the floor. Mwu la Fraga was waiting for him. "Great job out there." Kira returned a smile and floated away, up to the door and into the hall, where he found Cagalli, Kaya, and Fllay waiting for him.

"Hi," he said, surprised. Kaya went to pull him into another hug, but stepped back at a hard stare from Fllay. Cagalli smiled, "You did it!"

"Yeah," Kira responded, smiling at Kaya to let her know it was okay. He turned to Fllay, who looked away from him in disgust. "Fllay." he said softly, staring at her.

"What do you want?" she asked in an annoyed voice, crossing her arms. "Going to try and say you're sorry? Well, forget it. Congratulations on your victory." Fllay turned and floated down the hall to her quarters.

Kira sighed and lowered his eyes. Cagalli touched his shoulder.

"Hey, you hungry? That was some battle." Kira looked up, but didn't seem to be seeing what it looked like he was seeing.

_"Hey kid, you all right? That was some battle you fought."_

Kira blinked, recalling Fraga's earlier words. "Yeah . . . I am." He went to the café with Cagalli and Kaya on either side of him.

As they entered, Kira saw that Sai, Mirallia and Kazui were already there. They smiled at him as he entered.

"You did a good job, Kira," Mirallia said. The others nodded as Cagalli and Kaya sat down at the table with their meals. Kira got some food and a soda and sat down as well, "Thank you."

Nobody said anything for a while. Then Kaya spoke up.

"What do you think they were trying to accomplish?" she asked, stabbing a piece of lettuce with her fork and raising it to her mouth. The others looked at her curiously. Nobody seemed to want to answer the question. Some of them turned to Kira as he spoke.

"They wanted to hit the Archangel enough to do some damage," he said slowly, watching the soda swirl around in the cup. "They know that if they can do that, they'll have the upper hand in this war." He lowered his eyes, thinking once more of Athrun. Then, he stood up, finishing his soda and throwing the trash away, and walked out of the room without a word. Everyone stared after Kira, but nobody tried to stop him.

Kira floated back down to the docking bay, where they were making repairs on the Gundams. Crossing his arms on the banister, Kira watched in silence.

_There are so many things we know about this war . . . and so many things we don't._

Kira sighed and closed his eyes, thinking of the battle he could have lost his life in, the one fought against Zaft months ago.

_Why can't the war just end? Why can't coordinators and naturals just get along? Why are we in this war in the first place . . . so many questions, and never enough answers . . . _

"It isn't strange that I'd find you here."

Kira glanced to his right as another set of arms rested on the banister. They belonged to Cagalli, who smiled as she watched the repairmen. Kira turned his gaze back as well.

"Yeah," he said. Cagalli's eyes narrowed in thought, her short blond hair covering her face slightly.

"Kira," she said after a few minutes of silence between them, "What runs through your mind when you're out there?"

Kira glanced over again, "What?"

"Like, when you're out there fighting for your life and everyone else's. In empty space." The reflection of sparks from repairing of the Gundams danced across Cagalli's open eyes.

Kira once more turned his gaze away from her and he sighed.

"The fact that fighting doesn't change anything. It only leads to more anger, more pain . . . and death."

Cagalli looked over at him, her eyes widening slightly. "Death," she repeated slowly, watching him. "But if death creates less of a threat, then why don't we continue fighting?"

Kira straightened up and studied Cagalli's face, turning to her.

"So . . . you want to fight? Is that what you think we should do?" he asked her.

Cagalli stood straight and turned sharply to him, her eyes sharp. "No! I just want this war to end!" she cried at Kira, suddenly becoming defensive.

Kira shook his head. "But as long as Coordinators and Naturals keep fighting, the war will continue. Unless both sides agree to their problem with each other, the battle will still go on."

He walked past Cagalli and into the hall, away from the docking bay.

Cagalli frowned, sighed and turned back to the banister, her thoughts drawing her full attention.

_But if one side refuses to stop fighting, then will there ever be an end to this war?_

Kira floated slowly down the hall, doors passing him as he went. He slowed at Fllay's door, intending to knock, but resisted and kept on, keeping his eyes focused on the floor in front of him. His thoughts were all too common: Athrun, the war, and his argument with Fllay.


	2. Tactics

**Quick Note: **_I do not own Gundam Seed or any of the original characters. The only person I own is Kaya Misumi. For those of you that wanted a description, I added some things to the first chapter, including her description, so you can go back and read that first, it may help with the visual. Thanks for the positive reviews and the helpful tips._

Chapter Two: Tactics

Kira stopped at an intersection in the hallway, pressing his back to the wall and listening intently.

Fraga and Lieutenant Badgiruel were having an argument that was beyond heated. Their yelling at each other echoed all the way down the halls and off the walls behind them.

"I don't understand why you can't leave him alone for a while!" Fraga's voice. It sounded much more different to Kira than usual because Fraga was angry . . . Kira had never heard Fraga so angry before. "He's only a kid!"

Then, the Lieutenant's voice. "What choice do we have? That boy is a very talented coordinator, and it's impossible to just let him alone when he's out there fighting! If we don't keep him in check, things will go wrong."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to try and make sure he's okay right after every battle! Kira needs time to deal with what's he seen and how he feels!" Fraga responded.

Kira's stomach lurched. _They're talking about me._

"Do not raise your voice to me, Fraga." The Lieutenant's voice was a cold warning. "I understand that Kira has seen a lot these past few months. But we can't afford to let him have too much time alone. At this moment, Zaft is planning something else, and if Kira withdraws into himself now, it's over. He's one of the best mobile suit pilots on this ship, and if we lose him . . . " She trailed off, lowering her voice slightly. Both Fraga and the Lieutenant seemed to be calming down.

At first, Mwu la Fraga said nothing, and there was a dead silence between them. Then, he spoke.

"I know the consequences, Lieutenant!" the pilot said, looking her straight in the eye. "But Kira's been dealing with a lot more than he should be lately. He's got a few of the girls on the Archangel worried for him. Cagalli Yula Attha seems to know when something's wrong, but when she spoke to him earlier, he didn't say anything. Then there's that newer coordinator, Kaya Misumi. She's just found out about everything that's going on, and it's really getting to her. On top of all that- there's Miss Allster."

Kira saw the Lieutenant's eyes widen.

"Fllay Allster?" she questioned, biting her lip in thought. "I had no idea . . . what's going on between them?"

Fraga's gaze softened. "That's my point. You don't have any idea about much that's happened with him lately. You don't see him that often. Kira's been in arguments with Miss Allster before, but this time she's found out that the relationship isn't quite what she'd like it to be."

The Lieutenant sighed and turned away, walking down the hall. "You go too easy on him." She didn't say another word, and the pilot watched her walk down the hall.

Kira turned and put his head to the wall, one fist right beside it.

Fraga must have heard, because a slightly surprised look came over his face and he appeared beside Kira in less than a minute.

"How long were you listening?" he asked quietly, his eyes searching Kira.

"Too long," Kira responded weakly, closing his eyes. "The Lieutenant was right, if I deal with all of this for too much longer, there won't be anything left of me."

Fraga put a hand on his shoulder and sighed. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, then decided he should say something.

"You won't."

Kira looked at him, turning his head, and his gaze softened. "What?"

Fraga smiled. "You've got too much to fight for, Kira. You can't waste everything you've learned on one principle of war. You have to apply it to different parts, especially when it comes to the fighting."

He took his hand off Kira's shoulder and turned, walking away. "Keep up a good spirit, at least the ones you love still exist."

Kira stared after him, saying nothing. He felt like screaming, but refused to let himself.

_What good spirit is there to have when you're fighting a war against your childhood best friend? If Coordinators and Naturals don't get along soon, things will only get worse between the two sides. That's a result nobody can afford._

Slowly, Kira began to walk down the hall, not knowing where he was going or really caring. Suddenly, the only thing that mattered was ending the war before someone got hurt . . . or worse.

More talk interrupted his thoughts, another bout of yelling. Fllay's voice. He stopped again, listening, and facing the feud. Kira's eyes widened as they took in the scene before him.

Fllay was holding Kaya in a death grip, pressing her to the wall. Kaya looked like she was ready to pass out, and Kira could tell she was in a lot of pain from the way she shivered.

"I mean it! Don't ever talk to Kira again! He's mine, and he always will be! Got that? You aren't ever going to take him away from me!" Fllay cried, her face pulled into a frown of anger and concentration.

"But Fllay . . . Kira isn't mine to take . . . " Kaya responded breathlessly, with extreme difficulty.

Without thinking, Kira ran over to them and grabbed Fllay's shoulders, thrusting her off of Kaya and into the wall behind him. He caught Kaya as she sank down to the floor, gasping for breath and coughing.

Fllay stared at him, her expression still angry, but the anger was considerably lighter. "Kira . . . "

Kira glared up at her. "Fllay, what's your problem?" he yelled. "What's wrong with you? Why are you doing this?!"

Fllay's expression turned sad, deeply sad, and her eyes filled up with tears. Bitter tears, not sentimental ones.

"Kira, I . . . I'm sorry," she said slowly, her hands clenching into fists at her side. "But nobody is going to take you away from me! Ever! You're mine, doesn't she understand that? You'll always be mine!"

Kira frowned and stood up, facing Fllay.

"No! Fllay, I don't belong to you!" he yelled back. "I'm not yours to take!"

Fllay's eyes widened and she uttered a cry.

Kira grabbed her shoulders and tightened his grip. "Fllay, I love you, God knows that, but . . . I'm not an object, and I don't belong to anyone! Why don't you understand that yet? I'll never be yours! I'll never be anyone's!"

* * *

Mwu la Fraga was still walking down the endless maze of halls when he heard the yelling. A thud that sounded like someone getting shoved against the wall made him stop dead in his tracks and look back down another hall, which seemed to lead to the argument.

As the sound of a scream erupted, a loud, high-pitched one that could only belong to one person, Fraga altered his course and took a right down the hallway, following the sound of more yelling from Kira.

_Kira . . . _

Fraga increased his speed slightly, taking a left and then a right and continuing. When he finally arrived at the designated corridor, all he could see were bodies. A large group of people, mechanics and coordinators and a few others. Two people appeared to be trying to stop the cause of the fight and weren't succeeding.

As he took another step closer, Fraga saw that the two were Sai and Miriallia, and they were desperately yelling at two other people who he recognized as Kira and Fllay.

"Stop it, Fllay! Kira's right, you can't keep believing that!" Miriallia cried, close to tears.

Sai had a hand on Kaya's shoulder and was kneeling down in front of her, making sure she was okay. Obviously, there were only the mechanics on the outskirts of the crowd, unable to get through.

Fraga pushed through and did not hesitate to stop the fighting, pulling Kira back and up by his uniform. Kira was breathing harder than normal and looked like he might pass out at any moment. Fllay stared up at him, shaking.

"Kira, stop it!" Fraga yelled, lightly slapping him across the face. As if by reflex, Kira shut his eyes and they did not open again. He had passed out, though the cause was unknown. Fraga put him down beside Kaya and moved over to Fllay.

Miriallia shrank back, going to Kira at once.

"Move aside!" a voice called from the back of the people, and a few seconds later Captain Murrue Ramius had forced her way through the crowd. She stopped at the situation and surveyed the situation, then turned to the crowd.

"All right. All of you, get back to your stations!" she yelled, and everyone generally walked away. She then turned to Fraga and the others.

"Miss Allster, what happened?" Captain Murrue asked, glancing over at Kira and nodding for Sai and Miriallia to take Kaya and Kira to the infirmary.

Fllay looked up. "Kira . . . he . . . "

_Damn Kira! It's time to get back at him for all of the things he's done, all the times he's hurt me._

"I don't know what was wrong with him. He was screaming at Kaya about something and he kept shaking her. I tried to stop him, and he turned on me." Fllay said, her voice shaking.

_That will teach you to hurt me, Kira Yamato!_

Fraga stood up and stepped back to the Captain's side. "Kira did that?" he asked, astonished. Fllay grinned inwardly to herself and nodded. "Yes . . . I don't know why he did what he did. He looked so scary there, holding me against the wall."

Captain Murrue put a hand on Fllay's shoulder.

"All right," she said briskly. "You should go and get some rest, Fllay. I'll speak to Kira about his actions when he awakes."

Fllay nodded, saluting, and walked off to her room, a smile crossing her face as soon as she was out of sight of the pilot and captain.

"Kira," she whispered triumphantly, "You're so weak."

* * *

Kira groaned and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw as his vision cleared were four people standing over him.

"Kira, you're awake," Miriallia said anxiously, fidgeting with her hair. "What happened?"

Kira propped himself up on one elbow and shook his head, rubbing it with his right hand.

"Kira."

He looked up. "Captain Ramius."

She smiled at him, a serious smile, and sat down. "Kira, is it true that you hurt Fllay and Kaya?"

Kira's eyes widened. "What? No, I would never do that!"

Sai shook his head. "It seemed that way when we got there."

Kira turned a shocked gaze to him, steadying himself as he sat up slowly. "What . . . ? Why, what happened? What did I do?" He was becoming frantic, and Fraga pushed him back down gently.

"Hey, easy," he said to Kira, his gaze glancing at the captain. "You took a pretty hard hit there without even flinching. You seemed to be in another world."

Kira's gaze remained on Sai. "What did I do? Tell me."

Sai motioned to Miriallia and they left without another word. Kira heard the door shut behind them, and he leaned back.

"It must have been pretty bad, then," he said, closing his eyes.

"Well, Fllay told us that you had Kaya pinned against the wall. She said that when she tried to break you away, you rounded on her and hurt her."

Kira opened his eyes. "I wouldn't do something like that, really! I would never hurt anyone . . . not on purpose."

There was silence. Then Fraga tapped the captain on the shoulder.

"We should leave him alone for a while," he said. Captain Murrue nodded and stood up, walking out.

"Don't strain yourself, Kira. We may need you later."

More silence. Kira closed his eyes and fell again into a light sleep. Other people's sayings invaded the peace.

* * *

"_You didn't make any move to try and stop them_ . . . _it's because you're a coordinator, too!"_

"_That was some battle you fought."_

"_Nobody is going to take you away from me! Ever!"_

"_Don't strain yourself, Kira. We may need you later."_

Kira opened his eyes. The last words of the captain echoed in his mind.

"_We may need you later."_

"Later . . . " he breathed, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. "They may need me later."

It was then that a thought crossed Kira's mind, one that made him feel sick.

_It's all I am to them. I've been fighting blindly for the past few years. I'm not a fellow coordinator here_ . . . _I'm just a fighter. A soldier. A killing machine._

Kira closed his eyes as sweat beaded his brow.

_A killing machine? No, I can't be that. I've never killed anyone yet._

He kept his mouth closed, afraid that the words of battle would escape from him if he opened it.

_Have I?

* * *

_

(Zaft)

Yzak punched the door of his locker hard again, causing a dent to appear. He hit again, and the dent grew wider.

He swung back again and got ready to pull forward with another punch, but a strong hand kept him from doing so. When Yzak looked back, he saw that the hand belonged to Athrun.

Athrun's face was serious. There was definitely something on his mind.

"Yzak, stop it. What's going on with you lately?" he said briskly, his green eyes focused on Yzak's face.

Yzak frowned. "You want to know what's going on?" He yanked Athrun's hand off his wrist and shoved him backwards, walking away from the locker towards the door. However, he stopped just short of the door and his anger became evident in his voice.

"What's wrong, you ask. This is what's wrong! I get attacked, something that's not even a crucial part of the Duel blows up, and I'm fine. But there's that stupid nagging voice. You know, the one that says, '_Quickly, Yzak! Return to the ship!' _The voice that belongs to Athrun Zala! Then, there's that bitch who gave me this scar. What's his name- Kira Yamato! For God's sake, _why can't we destroy him_?! He's only getting in our way. If we really wanted to, we could have killed him a long time ago. What the hell is holding us back?"

Without another word, Yzak walked out of the room, the door shutting behind him.

Athrun stared at the dents in Yzak's locker, dropping his hand by his side with a sigh. Dearka crossed over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about Yzak, he'll get over it. He's just mad because we didn't get a chance to take down the Strike," Dearka said, as Athrun turned around.

Athrun nodded and closed Yzak's locker, which had swung open unceremoniously from the beating. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Nichol smiled and walked over. "I hope we can win the war soon. I want to go back home and learn how to become a proper pianist." He stared out the window at the stars in space. "Wherever home is."

Athrun and Dearka's eyes widened at the mention of a place other than on the ship or in space. There was silence for a long time as they all fantasied a place with green grass and trees and laughing children. Then Athrun spoke up, his voice strong.

"Come on, you two. Captain Klueze wanted to speak with us about something, and he told me he wanted us to be prompt."

They walked out of the room and the door shut behind them. The only trace that anyone had ever been in the room was the locker of Yzak Jule, dented beyond repair.

* * *

The door to the infirmary opened, and the sound of footsteps echoed off the white walls.

Kira did not move from his position facing the wall. He frowned at the sound of Fllay's voice.

"Kira," she said tartly, her arms crossed as she stopped in front of the bed he lay on.

Kira still did not move.

Fllay gave a sigh that was part anger, part exasperation and tapped her foot, staring at his back.

"Kira, what's your problem?" she asked coldly. "Answer me!"

Kira sat up and turned to her, the frown still on his face. She took a step backwards, but her glare did not diminish. If anything, it became stronger.

"You lied, Fllay." The tone of voice was simple, maybe even sad. Fllay seemed taken aback by this, her expression faded.

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"Fllay. Why did you lie about what happened earlier? Why did you tell them that I was trying to hurt Kaya? Why did you tell them that I was yelling at her? You know I wasn't," Kira said, meeting her gaze.

Fllay said nothing, tearing her gaze away from Kira's with a grunt.

It was then that realization struck Kira, and he narrowed his eyes.

"I know what it is. You're still mad at me for earlier. When I embraced Kaya." He stood up and turned her face to his. "That's it, isn't it! You decided to get back at me for that, even after I told you there was nothing between her and I."

Fllay gritted her teeth and put a hand on Kira's wrist, gripping it tightly and throwing it off of her. Stronger than anyone but Kira would have ever expected.

"That wasn't it, _Mr. Yamato_," she replied coldly, using the words of someone Kira knew to be special to Athrun. His eyes widened. "You told me that you didn't love me. Before today, you were leading me along like a dog on a chain." Fllay softened her gaze and stared at the floor, refusing to let herself cry. "Why did you lie to me, Kira? Why didn't you just tell me before that you loved someone else?"

Kira let out a deep sigh of resentment. "Fllay," he said firmly, "That's just it. I _don't _love anyone else. I may like them, but I've never had a _love_. The only thing between Kaya and I is friendship. A long one. I'll see you around."

Kira left the infirmary with Fllay staring after him, biting her lip so she wouldn't scream after him.

_So, that's what it's been all along. Just a friendship, right? You're wrong, Kira Yamato. We have more than just a friendship here, and you refuse to accept that fact. Somehow, someway, I'm going to make you mine. Forever.

* * *

_

_Okay, everyone. You can officially start reviewing again. . . sorry it took me so long to get Chapter Two **back **up, I've been putting it off until the weekend because I have more time then. Not to mention the fact that you're all extremely persistent people and I got thoroughly annoyed with your reviews for a few days because they all said the same thing in different words, and I needed to get over that. However, my friend's review seemed to catch the reviews in a basket, and I'm thankful for that. _

_One more thing, everyone. Since you're all probably going to start reviewing again (I hope. . . please??), **PLEASE **don't flame me for Tisarugi's review. I appreciated it because I didn't get any more reviews saying the same thing they've said for a while. -sigh- Anyway, hope you've enjoyed this chapter. Also, when I put "Klueze" in the Zaft situation, I'm not sure if that's correct or not. I'd like to know, thanks. I'm glad you read my story, though. So thanks for that too. I'll try to have Chapter Three up soon.Later, everyone. _


	3. Relationship

**Quick Note: **_I do not own Gundam Seed or any of the original characters. I own Kaya Misumi and her personality/looks, and that's it. If you have any questions, comments, or ways of improvement, send me a review and I'll try to find some way to incorporate it into the story. I hope that this chapter holds the corrections people asked of me. I put in a slice of Kira's relationship with Kaya, under request of one of my fathful reviewers._

_Thanks for reading this, I hope to get more positive reviews from everyone._

_-gives reviewers a cookie- Merry Christmas!_

Chapter Three: Relationship

"You have _got_ to be kidding me. Kira and that girl, going steady? I can't see it happening. Not with Fllay around."

Sai leaned back in his chair, sipping a soda thoughtfully and staring across the table at Miriallia. "Hey, it's possible, isn't it? I mean, you saw how it was there in the hall."

Miriallia shrugged. "Well...I just can't figure out how he would get close to her when Fllay is still angry at him for that hug Kira shared with Kaya a few days ago. Fllay would go mad if she discovered Kira and Kaya were together. She has feelings for him, no doubt about it."

"No doubt about it," Sai repeated, finishing off his soda and pushing the straw further, trying to suck out as much as he could. Loud slurping sounds came from the cup. Finally, he gave up and set the cup down on the table, sighing. "But you have to admit, they would make a nice couple. Even with Fllay breathing down their necks all the time." He allowed himself a short laugh. "She'd probably come running to me with tears in her eyes, claiming that she loved me all along, that Kira was just a sidestep."

Miriallia stood up. "True. But you can't expect much else of Fllay these days, can you? She doesn't fight because she isn't a coordinator and she can't really do much else. What was her purpose in staying, anyway?"

Sai shrugged off the question, dismissing the subject. "Oh, the Lieutenant was supposed to be holding a meeting with us today, wasn't she?" He glanced at the clock. "We'd better hurry."

They left the room, Sai depositing his trash in a bin on the way.

Fraga narrowed his eyes. "So, you're telling me that if Zaft were to become Neutral, we'd be-"

"That's right." Lieutenant Badgiruel responded in her usual brisk tone, snappier than usual. _Where are those damn coordinators? I told them exactly 0200 hours!_

Fraga whistled and put the paper back on the table, relaxing. "Hey, what was the purpose in this meeting, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why am I in here. I can think of better ways to spend my time, you know."

The Lieutenant frowned. "This meeting was called to ensure that the people on board the Archangel all know their stats and limits and are doing what they're supposed to. That includes you. Captain Ramius should be arriving any time now."

The door slid open, and the Lieutenant's sharp purple eyes flickered over to find two people.

"You're five minutes late." She eyed them warily. "I told you exactly 0200 hours. It's ten after."

Miriallia and Sai sat down. "We give you our apologies, Miss-"

"Lieutenant."

"-_Lieutenant _Badgiruel."

Her eyes moved away from them, to the window.

"Where's Kira and Kaya?" Mwu la Fraga asked nonchalantly, staring at the ceiling with his hands behind his head.

Miriallia shrugged. "No clue. I haven't seen them at all, not since the fight yesterday."

"Sai?"

"Sorry. I think I saw Kira down at the docking bay, but I haven't spotted any sign of Kaya."

Lieutenant Badgiruel stood up quickly, her expression clearly showing her annoyance at such simple conversation. The others all glanced up at her.

"Enough! Don't just stand there talking about those two, go and _find_ them! That's an order!" she yelled.

Fraga, Sai and Miriallia stood up without a word and walked out of the room.

When they were a safe distance away, Miriallia turned to Sai.

"We haven't joined the army by mistake, have we?" she asked. Both Sai and Fraga had to laugh.

"I don't think so, Mir," Sai responded as they stopped at the door to the docking bay. "You think they're down here?"

Fraga shrugged. "Possibly. Miriallia, go to Kaya's room and see if she's there. I'll check in the docking bay, and Sai can check Kira's room."

They nodded and departed, each going a separate way.

(Kira's room)

There was a knock on Kira's door, but he didn't hear it. The sixteen-year-old coordinator was fast asleep, a light sleep that was not a troubled one for the first time in days.

Sai entered without a second warning and stopped, noticing his friend.

_My friend..._

Suddenly it occurred to Sai how strange it felt to use the word "friend" when he was helping to fight a war. Had it really been that long since he'd joined the Earth Alliance?

Shaking off the feeling, Sai walked up to the bed and put out a hesitant hand. Luckily, he did not have to wake Kira, because his senses picked up automatically.

Kira opened his eyes and sat up, brushing away Sai's hand with force. Then, he realized who it was, and smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, Sai. What's going on?"

"Lieutenant Badgiruel called a meeting scheduled for two o'clock, but it seems as though everyone has forgotten about it. I wonder whether or not she'll just call the whole thing off, it wasn't an important meeting anyway. Just one to make sure everyone was following orders and not going beyond their limitations." Sai responded, his hand falling at his side as he returned the smile.

Kira ran a hand through his tousled brown hair. "I understand. I'll be ready in a minute. . . have you seen Kaya anywhere today?"

Sai shook his head. "Mir's on the watch for her. We're supposed to meet back in the conference room."

He left Kira alone in his quarters, without another word.

(Kaya's room)

A soft knock, to which there was a reply.

The door opened, revealing a fully dressed Kaya who looked as though she'd been waiting for someone to discover her.

Miriallia stepped back. "Hi, Kaya. How are you?"

Kaya shrugged. "I suppose I'm okay, for now. What's up?"

Miriallia smiled. "The Lieutenant called a conference, but I doubt anyone knew. Except Fraga, Sai, and myself, not including the Lieutenant, of course."

"Of course." Kaya stepped out of her room and the door closed behind her automatically. "I guess we'd better get going, then."

They walked down the hall in silence. For some reason, Miriallia didn't feel as comfortable around Kaya as she probably should have. It was the same for Kaya.

(Docking Bay)

"Hey, Fraga, you gonna join us for some work today?" one of the mechanics called, and laughter erupted from everyone there.

"Nah. Special 'conference'," Fraga responded, smiling. "Hey, have you seen the kid down here lately?"

The mechanic shook his head, and Fraga turned back around, walking back to the hallway door again.

"I see. Thanks." The door closed behind him.

_Man, these kids can disappear in an instant! Wonder if Sai or Miriallia have had any luck. Guess I'll find out soon enough._

He entered the conference room again to find Captain Murrue Ramius and Lieutenant Badgiruel properly seated and discussing tactics for gaining the upper hand in battle. Among them were an assortment of Coordinators and Naturals, mechanics too. Namely, Kira Yamato, Kaya Misumi, Sai Argyle, and Miriallia Haww.

Fraga sat down, sharing a glance with Kira, who still looked tired.

"Well, now that we're all here," the Lieutenant spoke sharply, her words slicing through the dull air, "We can get started. Captain, if you would."

Captain Ramius stood up, her amber gaze fixed on nobody in particular. Her eyes circulated around the room, landing on each person for a few seconds before moving on to the next as she did a mental head count.

"We're missing Kazui," she said simply, frowning. "Has anyone seen him?"

At that moment, Kazui entered looking very distressed, followed by Cagalli Yula Attha.

"There you are," Captain Ramius said. "Have a seat."

Cagalli hit Kazui on the side of the head as she sat down next to Kira.

"You idiot! I _told_ you that there was a conference today!" she said, breathing hard.

Kazui winced and took a seat, a ways away from Cagalli, as he rubbed his head. "Eh, yeah...sorry about that," he said breathlessly.

The Captain cleared her throat and finished her head count. She cleared her throat and then began.

"Well, to begin with, I'm glad you all remembered the conference." She glanced over at Kazui, who smiled sheepishly, and Cagalli. "Well. . . most of you, anyway," she added, her voice wavering. "This is a very important meeting that will decide what your next actions are."

Kira's set purple eyes widened slightly. _Next actions? Could she be talking about changing our stats as far as what we've been doing?_

"Each and every one of you will give a detailed explanation of what you've been doing and how you've been working," Captain Ramius continued. "We'll start with the Lieutenant."

Lieutenant Badgiruel straightened up, her bored look fading away in an instant to reveal startled surprise. Her deep purple eyes were slightly less narrowed than usual.

"What? Me?" she asked, shocked. Two seconds' ringing silence followed her words, and then she regained her composure, crossing her arms and standing up.

"Yes, of course, Captain," she finished, looking the Captain in the eye. "Over the past few days, I have served as the second-in-command to the Captain Murrue Ramius. My job is to give commands to those that monitor conditions in space and on the Archangel, and to report any signs of mistreatment to the Captain."

Captain Ramius smiled, nodding her head as the Lieutenant finished without a single show of emotion. "Very well. You may be seated. Next, Commander Mwu la Fraga."

Fraga stood up and straightened as the Lieutenant sat back down silently.

"Yes, ma'am," he responded, as though he were a ten-year-old taking orders from an adult. "In the days I have served on the Archangel, I have assisted in the mechanical repair of mobile suits, helped to fight off Zaft, and-" here Fraga managed a smile, "-given assistance in dimming the emotional stress of the members of the Earth Alliance on board the Archangel." When he concluded, he allowed himself a more relaxed look and glanced at Kira.

Once again, the Captain nodded with a smile. "Yes, very well. Miriallia Haww, please."

Miriallia stood up and glanced over at Sai and then at Kaya, taking a breath. "I work as a monitor for the Archangel's command base. I keep careful watch on the mobile suits that are fighting..." she trailed off, clearly unable to say anything else. Nervous.

But, the Captain seemed to accept this, she waved Miriallia down and called for Sai Argyle.

Sai stood up and without hesitation began his own explanation of his jobs. "I also work on board the Archangel as a monitor for the command base. My job is to report damage to the Archangel and to watch for signs of the approach of mobile suits."

Captain Ramius gave no applaud this time, allowing Sai to sit back down, and then calling Kazui, who stood slowly and cleared his throat.

"My job is the same as Sai's. I work as a monitor for the exact same purpose, with the exact same job." He sat back down and sighed. Cagalli shot him a low glare from across the table.

"Then, we have Kaya Misumi."

Kaya jumped slightly at the sound of her name; clearly she had been lost in another world. Maybe one where there was no war, no fighting, and peace among everyone. Something that, at the moment, was unachievable.

She stood up and gave Kira a weak smile. He nodded slowly, returning with a meaningful gaze.

_I know you can do this._

"My name is Kaya Misumi. I'm a Coordinator, sided with the Earth Forces and helping out on the ship the Archangel. My job is to fight Zaft outside of the ship in space in the mobile suit Strike, with Kira Yamato's close guidance. I upgrade mobile suit systems as needed and...and, that's it," Kaya finished breathlessly.

The Captain smiled warmly. "Well," she said finally, "Well. Nicely done, Miss Misumi."

Kaya breathed a sigh of relief as silently as possible. She still wasn't used to direct communication with the Captain and Lieutenant. From out of the corner of her eye, she saw the Lieutenant frown.

"And finally, we have- Kira Yamato." Captain Ramius shifted slightly in her seat, nodding at Kira.

Kira closed his eyes, putting his hands on the table, then stood up, opened his eyes, and listed everything that he was supposed to.

"My name is Kira Yamato. I fight in the mobile suit GATX-105, or Strike Gundam. My mission is simple- to end the war with as little casualties as possible. And- to protect the ones I love and care about." When he finished, Kira looked over at the Captain and his eyes locked with hers for a long time.

Three minutes passed, and nobody said a word.

Finally, the Captain took a breath and spoke. "Kira- that was...very good. Very well done. You may be seated."

Kira sat down, tearing his gaze away from the Captain and moving it to the table.

_**Always** to protect the ones I care about. That's my sole purpose in life. To fight and be fought, and to protect others._

His thoughts were interrupted when the Captain stood up. "Good job, all of you. You are all following the positions you have been given aboard the Archangel."

Everyone stood up, and the Captain raised a straight hand, closed fingers, to the temple on her forehead, the traditional salute. The others all followed suit a few seconds afterward.

"Captain Ramius," the Commander and Lieutenant spoke at the same time. The Captain lowered her hand, and so did they.

"Dismissed," the Captain replied warmly, walking out of the room without another word. The Lieutenant followed quickly, leaving the others to their own actions.

As soon as both of them had left the room, Cagalli punched Kazui on the arm lightly. "Oh, nice job, Kazui," she said, her voice dripping with bitter sarcasm. "Absolutely outstanding."

Kazui glanced at her, "Really, Cagalli?"

Cagalli let out an exasperated cry and threw up her hands, walking away down the hall. Kazui stared after her, confused.

Behind him, Kaya watched Cagalli in silence. _I wonder what Kira's relationship with her is. I guess I'll find out sooner or later._

Kira emerged from the room with Sai and Miriallia at his side.

"Well, I guess that does it for me," Sai said calmly, yawning. "Did you see the look on the Lieutenant's face when Kaya sat down? She looked like she wanted to murder Kaya or something."

Miriallia frowned at Sai and pushed his shoulder lightly, pointing to Kaya. "Didn't you realize she was right there?"

Sai pulled away from her. "Oops. Did she hear?"

If Kaya had (which she hadn't, of course), she didn't give any indication.

Kira shared a glance with Sai, then moved forward and touched Kaya on the shoulder. "You okay?"

Kaya tore her gaze away from Cagalli to Kira. "Oh, I'm sorry Kira, what did you say?"

"I asked if you were okay. You seemed a little distant there for a second."

She forced a smile. "Yes, I'm fine. . ." she trailed off and looked around, then walked back into the conference room and back out. "Wasn't Fllay supposed to be in this meeting, too? I mean, after all, she did join the Earth Forces, didn't she?"

"Hey, you're right," Sai said, looking around as well. "She should have been at that meeting."

"You think maybe she forgot about it?" Miriallia asked.

"Maybe she did, Mir," Kazui responded. "But it isn't like her to miss a conference without a good reason." He laughed. "She's probably still mourning over the fact that Kira yelled at her."

Kira and Kaya immediately cast their eyes downward at the floor, and Kazui received another punch on the arm, this one from Sai.

"Don't talk about that," he hissed quietly. "It was something that everyone should forget. Including you, Kazui. Come on, we should get back to our posts."

Sai, Miriallia, and Kazui left, leaving Kira, Fraga, and Kaya alone in the corridor.

"Hey, kid," Fraga said, walking over. Kira looked up. "Don't let anything that you've done wrong get to you, okay? You're one of the best fighters on the Archangel, and definitely one of the best programmers I've ever seen." He walked off, and now it was just Kira and Kaya.

Kira moved over to the other side of the hall, beside Kaya. "Well. . . I guess that's it, huh?"

"Guess so," she responded, her voice revealing distraction.

"Okay- I'll see you around, then," Kira said, and began to walk away, headed towards his room again.

Suddenly, he was caught by the sleeve of his uniform and thrown backwards against the wall.

"Hey, what-" Kira began, but he was cut short as he felt Kaya's warm body press against his.

Kaya was not smiling. She stared into his eyes for a long time, all the while keeping her hands on his shoulders. He gazed back, and something flickered in his eyes. Was it sadness? She couldn't tell.

Kira relaxed slightly. Then, a curtain of shock entangled him again as Kaya pressed her lips against his.

"Kira," she breathed happily as she pulled away, "I'm glad we're friends."

Kira watched her for a minute, then smiled. "I'm glad, too."

She left him there, and he watched her leave, not moving.

* * *

From behind a corner, Fllay watched in silence. When she witnessed the kiss, her heart twisted into a knot. Pain rippled through her body along with the disgusted shock as her eyes widened and a quiet gasp escaped her lips. Then, cold rage filled her, and Fllay frowned angrily.

_So- that's what they are to each other. That bitch! I swear, she's as good as dead. Nobody is going to take Kira away from me. Ever. He doesn't understand how much I love him, none of them do! Kira is mine! Mine! I will have Kira Yamato. I swear it._


	4. The Lives Lost

**Quick Note:**_ Hi, faithful fanfic readers! There's not much to say here, I've finally updated. Sorry for the delay, but school's been keeping me really busy lately. There's a lot going on, and there will continue to be a lot going on until sometime in March. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to update until March, I could never put Gundam SEED off for that long. _

_Now, on to the story and my really long flaming-lecture. You don't have to read it if it doesn't apply to you. Just read and review the chapter, like always. I accept flames, but nothing too extreme. And if you're willing to start a review with, "This is crap,"(not that anyone did, but someone remained Anonymous on my friend's GS fic and started it out that way, and she got kinda P.O.'ed about it, it was really bad; whoever you are, may a large amount of mice wielding celery-stalk swords and tiny pitchforks invade your home and attack your sanity, if you have any at all, then tie you to a tree seventy feet away from the ground) then you shouldn't review it at all. That discourages the writer and people who work on their fanfics are creating them partly for YOUR enjoyment and improving comments, you know. _

_-smiles- Okay, okay, enough rambling. Enjoy Chapter Four of Going Soft. If you guys want me to do previews of the next Chapter, let me know. I'm kind of considering it as you read this.)

* * *

_

**Chapter Four: The Lives Lost**

_(ZAFT, 0600 hours)_

Yzak pushed Athrun backwards, pinning him to the wall. He had a very strong grip, especially when he was annoyed or worse.

Athrun didn't move, but it was clear that he was just slightly surprised. _Yzak, what is it with you lately? _he thought, saying nothing.

"I've had enough of this waiting crap! The next time I see the Strike in battle, I'm taking it down! _For good._ And this time, you aren't going to stop me! Got it? The next time we see that mobile suit, whoever is piloting it had better be ready to die, because they're dead!" Yzak yelled angrily, his face contorted into a scowl of rage.

Athrun's eyes widened slightly. "Death isn't something we're supposed to attempt, Yzak, especially not on purpose. Our motive in this war is just to end it, with as little casualties as possible. If you kill the pilot of the Strike, then you're only spurring the war on. It's like. . . like frame-freezing a tape and then rewinding it. The tape keeps playing after you hit the play button, and eventually it gets back to the part where you stopped it. Except there's no end, really. The Naturals will continue to fight us as long as we keep fighting them. Destroying them won't solve anything."

Yzak brought back a fist and slammed it into Athrun's face, causing him to fall to the right on the ground. Athrun groaned and put a hand to his cheek, looking up at Yzak as he stood.

"Athrun Zala, you're wrong! I can't even believe that you would say such a thing! You're going soft! Sooner or later, Athrun, you're going to betray us all and join the Naturals, I just know it! We're just pawns in a game of chess, you know!" he yelled.

Athrun caught him by the wrist and twisted his arm around his back tightly, holding it there. He spoke harshly into Yzak's ear, his breath hot and his voice calm but dangerous. "Oh really? I sincerely doubt I would ever do such a thing, even if it was to try and end the war. We kill because we have to, even I know that. Oh, and that's why Nichol's life was taken, you know." He paused as Yzak let out a disgusted snort, tightening his grip. Athrun could sense what little shock there was when his dead comrade's name was mentioned. "Strike had no other choice but to take his life. It was self- defense. The soldiers of the Earth Alliance are pawns too, Yzak. All of us, Coordinator or Natural, are just small pawns in a huge war, controlled by the kings and queens. You can try taking Kira Yamato's life the next time you see him. But know this: if you kill the pilot of the Strike in the next battle, you can expect a personal argument with me. Think before you make your impacts, Yzak Jule."

He released Yzak and walked off without another word, exiting the cafeteria room and continuing forward, down the hall. _Kira Yamato. . . it's been a long time. Too long. Just because we're enemies on the outside doesn't mean we're not friends on the inside. I'll always remember you. And you won't forget me. . . will you?

* * *

_

(EA, Archangel, Cafeteria)

"I'm serious, I don't see it happening. Fllay would never let such a thing stand, Kuzzy, even if it was possible," Miriallia said doubtfully, staring across the table at him.

Kazui gripped his soda tighter. "But, that's just it, Mir. It _is_ possible. I mean, as long as Fllay doesn't discover that they're being. . . you know. . . then they can. As long as she doesn't ever find out that they're in love with each other, then they can have a relationship that's deeper than friends."

Miriallia groaned. "Yeah, and the minute that Fllay finds out, she'll tear them both to pieces. She's already mad at Kira because of that hug he gave Kaya in the infirmary. Look, let's just drop this subject, okay? I don't want to see anyone get hurt for any reason, especially not one that's just a relationship."

Sai nodded slowly, "Yeah, I have to agree. I mean, if Kira couldn't fight because Fllay nearly killed him. . ." He trailed off, bringing a sudden dead silence to the room. Nobody said a word, and Sai began to regret saying anything. He sighed and stared down into his drink. "I'm sorry."

Miriallia was silent for a while, her thoughts gone. Finally, she said, "It's okay, Sai. You shouldn't be sorry, this is war." She stood up, tray in hand. "We all have to make sacrifices, even if the sacrifice is someone we care about deeply. Besides, I doubt Fllay would ever try to kill Kira on purpose; she loves him too much." She smiled, though the smile was only skin-deep. It was impossible to smile on the inside.

"You'd be surprised," Kazui muttered under his breath. Sai heard it and elbowed him in the stomach under the table. He flinched, giving Sai a confused look, then shook his head and took another sip of his drink.

"Yeah, probably," he said, shrugging. "I mean, did you see how Fllay looked in the infirmary? She was having a nervous breakdown or something."

Sai glanced at him. "Kazui, that was no nervous breakdown. You of all people should know that, seeing as you freak out every time something hits the ship."

Kazui glared at him. "No, I don't," he protested, "I- I'm just reacting differently than the rest of you, that's all."

"Freaking," Miriallia muttered in an undertone, taking her tray to the trash and dumping the contents. She and Sai laughed.

Kazui's glare became a frown. "Well, besides, Fllay _was_ sort of freaking in there. I mean, she said those weird things about what Kira did to her in the hall when she had Kaya against the wall. . .she was talking about how he tried to kill her and stuff, wasn't she? Fllay was rambling on and on about how frightening he looked," he finished, his voice serious.

"_Fllay was lying._"

Kazui fell out of his chair. "Wha- who in- what. . ."

Sai's and Miriallia's eyes widened. Sai stood up quickly, and Miriallia turned towards the entrance to the room.

"Ah- Kira!" she gasped, her hands tightening on the tray. Sai stared, his mouth wasn't working correctly at that particular moment.

Finally, Kazui stood up, giving Kira an uncertain look. "Kira, what. . ."

Kira's eyes were cold, very cold. He watched his companions, or rather, accomplises, with nothing less than a bitter stare. Kazui shrank back slightly. Sai, however, advanced a step.

"Kira, what are you talking about?" he asked the question that Kazui could not, and his voice was strong.

"You heard me, Sai. All of you did. Fllay was lying. In the sick bay." He turned his gaze away. "Fllay was lying," he repeated slowly, as though he weren't sure it were true. "I know she was, I don't want anyone to die in this war. Nobody _else_." The last word was soaked in heavy emotion and Kira uttered it bitterly, his hands clenching into fists. He was glaring now.

Miriallia set the tray down and walked over to Kira, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Nobody else? Kira, nobody has died. I don't understand why you're so. . ."

"DON"T TOUCH ME!" Kira yelled suddenly, hitting her hand away. Miriallia jerked it back, and Sai stepped in front of her.

"Kira!" he cried, returning the sentence with a hard glare. His eyes were narrowed. "Where is your mind today? We're in a war, Kira! You can't go off screaming at everyone just because, it doesn't make the situation any better! Mir hasn't done anything. She's right, nobody has died!"

Kira's hands clenched into fists again. "Not by crew standards," he breathed, his voice heated.

Miriallia gave a small gasp, and Kazui obtained a bewildered look, of sorts. He looked scared and stunned at the same time.

"Nobody aboard the _Archangel_ has _died,_" Kira continued, emphasizing certain words. He was unfazed. "But in my battles with certain people, certain people's lives have ended because of me. _Because of **me**_. You guys don't understand what it's like on the front lines, inside the battle. The explosions, the heat, the sound. . .numerous people have died. And _I_ killed them. They _died_ because of _me._ Sure, we've had incidents. Me especially, because I fight to protect the ones I love and care about. I fight to protect everyone on this ship and on Earth. I fight to protect _you_." He lowered his gaze, as it clouded with angry, unshed tears. "Those people have died because of me," he repeated. "Because of the _SEED_." The last word was nearly screamed, though the sentence was calm.

It was Sai's turn to gasp. Kazui sank down into a chair, all the while staring at Kira with frightened disbelief.

"The. . .Kira, no. That wasn't it, you're wrong," he said slowly, uncertain if he was correct or not. Kazui looked like he was ready to collapse.

Kira's glare did not soften.

"No! I'm not wrong, Kazui! The SEED is what killed them, all of you know that! Even I know that! You guys can't keep pretending that nobody has died! You- you can't!"

With those final words, Kira looked up at them. The bitter tears were streaming down his face now, and he couldn't help it. He had kept his emotions inside for so long- and he had to keep them bottled up for even longer, until the war was over. It was almost unbearable.

He gave an angry cry and tore out of the room, his face contorted into an expression of rage and sadness. The door opened for him, and he kept running.

Miriallia almost screamed. Almost. She was staring at where Kira had last stood, looking spooked yet unreadable. Her mouth was open slightly, and she was trembling.

Sai ran after Kira, out of the room and down the hall. "KIRA!" he screamed. It echoed, and Sai was sure that crew members in the docking bay could have heard him. But so what if they did; he didn't care right now.

"Stay away from me, Sai! Don't follow me! I don't want or need your help!"

Sai's breath caught in his throat as the last sentence reached his ears. He slid to a stop, staring after his friend and breathing hard, his eyes wide behind those orange-tinted glasses.

"_I don't want or need your help!"_

"Kira. . ." he breathed in disbelief, as Miriallia and Kazui came out and stood beside him, also staring after Kira.

"_He's our friend_." The words came out of Miriallia's mouth before she could stop them. They were strangled, as though they had been washed with soap and then dried with a fuzzy towel.

Sai and Kazui glanced over at her. "Mir. . ." Kazui began slowly.

Miriallia's eyes brimmed with tears.She found that she could not send them away, and it was hardly noticed when Sai put his arms around her. However, she turned to him with a low sob, and began to cry silently, soaking the shoulder of Sai's uniform with her tears.

"Kira. . ." Sai whispered again, staring after his friend, "Why has this war changed you so much? Have you forgotten who you're fighting against?"

Kira ran. He didn't know where he was going, and at the moment he didn't care. One question echoed in his mind, _What have I done?_

Miriallia's words echoed in his ears, as though haunting him.

"_We all have to make sacrifices, even if the sacrifice is someone we care about deeply. Besides, I doubt Fllay would ever try to kill Kira on purpose; she loves him too much._"

"Fllay. . ." he said, sub-consciously. As if on command, an image of the young, emerald-eyed, red-haired girl appeared before his eyes. Kira shook his head, but the image did not disappear. It frowned.

"Kira Yamato, what have you done?" The voice was stern, and cold. Definitely Fllay's.

Kira stopped suddenly, taking a step backwards. _Oh, no. No no no no **no**_. . .

"Kira," Fllay repeated, her voice icy as she took a step forward.

In turn, Kira took several steps backwards and found himself against the wall, with nowhere to run. If he went left, he'd run into Fllay. If he went right, he'd be back at Sai and the others, assuming they were still there. _Damn_.

"Wh- what do you want, Fllay?" It was actually a statement, not a question. _I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Leave me alone, I want to be alone._

"Don't play stupid with me, Kira," Fllay said angrily, advancing towards him again. He didn't move; there was nowhere to go. "You know what you did, and I want to know why you did it."

Kira couldn't speak. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then repeated the procedure, all the while staring at Fllay with wide eyes.

She continued to glare into the wide amethyst, a small shred of sympathy pulling forward but not breaking the skin at how pathetic he was acting.

Finally, he found his voice, as well as his composure. "I- Fllay, what are you talking about?" Kira asked, swallowing. "What could I possibly have done, other than fighting for people's lives?" His voice was sincere.

Fllay stopped, her glare fading into a stare contorted into a complicated-and-very-hard-to-master sort of stare, her eyes seeming to almost glow.

"What you did, Kira." She shook her head, stray locks of that strawberry hair flying though the air and then coming back to rest on her shoulders. "No. No, it's what you _didn't do_."

"What I didn't do? What have I not done, Fllay? I already told you, you aren't mine and Kaya isn't either. So there's no way for me to break up with her," Kira replied.

He stared at her calmly for the moment, watching her eyes as he met her gaze. It forced her to take a step back, but Fllay was not going to give in to the same Coordinator who had, supposedly, broken her heart.

"That's not what I'm talking about, Kira Yamato!" Fllay yelled, lashing out at him. Still, he didn't move, catching her wrist in his own firm grip. She stopped and her eyes narrowed as she found herself unable to twist away. "Let go of me!"

Kira didn't release. "What are you trying to tell me, Fllay? You're still angry with me because of that incident so many days ago, is that what this is all about?"

She stared at him, more than annoyed, clenching her teeth and frowning. Scary.

"Kira- _my father is dead because of you!_"

Wham. Instant memories with a side of shock, anyone?

Kira's eyes widened as the scene from so long ago replayed itself in his mind on a countless number.

_Fllay was crying into someone's shoulder, Kira couldn't tell who it was. He was standing there, along with some of his friends and others he also didn't see._

_Fllay glared at him angrily. "You didn't try to stop them or protect us," she cried, tears forming as she looked into his eyes. "It's because you're a coordinator, too!"_

"_You didn't try hard enough! My father is dead, and it's all your fault! You didn't protect him! You didn't keep your promise!"_

He didn't reply to her comment for a while, watching her crying and screaming at him, his own memory. His own pain.

Finally, his grip released, and Fllay snatched her hand away. He blinked, coming back to the real world and her face. She was glaring at him with her arms crossed.

"Fllay," Kira started, but she cut him off.

"You shouldn't be alive! If people knew who you were, they would want to be like you! All you coordinators are nothing but scum!" Fllay spat, and then ran off, probably going to lock herself in her room.

The real world and the war had come back to him for a brief moment.

Then, just as quickly, it was snatched away from him as another scene played through his thoughts, taunting him. His eyes widened again.

"_You shouldn't be alive! If people knew who you were, they would want to be like you!" A voice screamed at him. The owner had lemon-yellow hair and was wearing a white mask that covered his face as well as his eyes._

Kira's posture became relaxed, too much so for it to be normal rest. The scene faded and Kira was once more brought back to reality.

_Le Creuset. . ._

"And Zaft," he said, speaking aloud the other half of the sentence as he straightened up again. "The enemy."

Athrun.

_What- oh. I keep forgetting that he's with Zaft, too. Does that make Athrun my enemy? Does that really mean I have to kill him?_

Kira let his thoughts wander away from the subject of the war between Coordinators and Naturals, not wishing to dwell on the fact that he probably did have to kill his childhood best friend, if the opportunity ever poked its ugly head into his life.

Kira knew it would.

Sighing, he turned to go back to Sai and the others and apologize for his rash behavior, and then stopped. There was someone standing silent behind him.

"Fllay- go away, all right?" Kira said briskly. He got no response, and turned. "Fllay, I said go away. I don't feel like talking about- Kaya!"

She was standing there, silent as ever, her midnight blue eyes staring into his with no emotion in them. They were lifeless, sort of. It reminded Kira of the SEED, and he wondered if that was how she would look in SEED mode.

"Kaya? Miss Misumi?" Kira questioned, raising a hand to wave it in front of her face. He gasped as her own hand moved to catch his wrist with lightning speed.

"Kira," Kaya replied simply, her gaze never fading.

He stared at her. "Kaya, what's going on? You don't seem like yourself today."

Kaya stared back. "I'm _not_ myself today, Kira." She let go of his arm, fingering the Japanese sign for life that hung around her neck."I haven't been myself for a while- I thought you would have noticed by now."

Kira started. "Well- I've had things on my mind lately. So, did you want to discuss something?"

She nodded, falling silent again. Remorse flickered in her eyes, and Kira wondered why.

"I- I have something that I want to show you. Do you have a computer or something?"

This time, Kira shook his head. "I don't have much, actually. How I got here was sort of unexpected."

Kaya seemed to understand. "Well- that's all right, I brought my laptop. Um- come on." She began walking down the hall at a normal pace, suddenly feeling sick. Kaya didn't really want to show Kira this- she hadn't ever shown it to anyone. Kaya hated it, she hated it very much. But, she knew she had to show it to Kira, because he was the only one who would ever understand it all.

Kira fell into step behind her, slightly worried. _What does she want to show me?

* * *

_

_(Mwahahahahaaa! Yep...cliffhanger. HA-HA! Okay, okay, I'm done now. -stares at chapter conclusion- Wait a minute...no! No, no, no, no! Cliffhangers are evil! They must all BURN! -is dragged off by her friends to read their stories- Gaaah...the next chapter involves Kaya's past, so if you've been eagerly awaiting it(or not...), then you're in for what you wanted(or not...). But anyway. **PLEASE** review, it would mean a lot to me and maybe help me update faster. Okay? Thank you! _


	5. My Past

_(Hola, faithful readers/reviewers! Thank you for bearing with my periods of forever when I didn't update...especially on Chapter Four. I just found out that I was accepted into a really good high school program, and I had been waiting until March, the month I got the letter, to update, and I've have Florida testing, too. Plus numerous assignments that were due in numerous classes, and numerous teachers that assigned said assignments, and making a strong attempt to bring up my Algebra grade. Apologies! Hopefully my life will pick up again and I can resume the updating quicker. Also, I know that I said I wasn't updating in March in the last chapter, but that's how it ended up being- see relatively long and boring explanation above, or skip it and continue reading. Sorry for that, too. But you'll just have to deal with it, hm? Haha, anyway. Enjoy the chapter on pieces of Kaya's past, it comes along with a barely visible piece on how Coordinators came to be(spoiler for Episode 44, heh...)and a strong piece in which the Strike Gundam battles the Aegis- for more than just the fact that they have to. Enjoy!_

_One more thing: I must offer my apologies to Chibi Fyrefly, because I re-read all four chapters of this story, and I've just realized that I sounded somewhat rude when I made the statement about 'Ensign.' Please forgive me! I didn't mean to sound that way, if in fact I really did to you- any of you- and from now on it will be 'Ensign' instead of 'Anson.' As a matter of fact, I feel very silly for thinking that it was the latter of the two, since I'm up to the last three episodes in the series and have finally heard them pronounce it as 'Ensign' when I could actually understand the word. . .-sigh- Sorrysorry! -gives reviewers and readers cookies and smiles nervously-)_

_**Bold italic is the video clip in the story. You'll understand when you get there.

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**_

Last time: Chapter Four

**Kira let his thoughts wander away from the subject of the war between Coordinators and Naturals, not wishing to dwell on the fact that he probably did have to kill his childhood best friend, if the opportunity ever poked its ugly head into his life. **

**Kira knew it would.**

**Sighing, he turned to go back to Sai and the others and apologize for his rash behavior, and then stopped. There was someone standing silent behind him.**

"**Fllay- go away, all right?" Kira said briskly. He got no response, and turned. "Fllay, I said go away. I don't feel like talking about- _Kaya_!"**

**She was standing there, silent as ever, her midnight blue eyes staring into his with no emotion in them. They were lifeless, sort of. It reminded Kira of the SEED, and he wondered if that was how she would look in SEED mode.**

"**Kaya? Miss Misumi?" Kira questioned, raising a hand to wave it in front of her face. He gasped as her own hand moved to catch his wrist with lightning speed.**

"**Kira," Kaya replied simply, her gaze never fading.**

**He stared at her. "Kaya, what's going on? You don't seem like yourself today."**

**Kaya stared back. "I'm _not_ myself today, Kira." She let go of his arm, fingering the Japanese sign for life that hung around her neck. "I haven't been myself for a while- I thought you would have noticed by now."**

**Kira started. "Well- I've had things on my mind lately. So, did you want to discuss something?"**

**She nodded, falling silent again. Remorse flickered in her eyes, and Kira wondered why. **

"**I- I have something that I want to show you. Do you have a computer or something?"**

**This time, Kira shook his head. "I don't have much, actually. How I got here was sort of. . . unexpected."**

**Kaya seemed to understand. "Well- that's all right, I brought my laptop. Um- come on." She began walking down the hall at a normal pace, suddenly feeling sick. Kaya didn't really want to show Kira this- she hadn't ever shown it to anyone. Kaya hated it, she hated it very much. But, she knew she had to show it to Kira, because he was the only one who would ever understand it all. She swallowed hard.**

**Kira fell into step behind her, slightly worried. _What does she want to show me?

* * *

_**

**Chapter Five: My Past**

Slowly, Kaya walked back to her room, back to the laptop that was waiting, back to the compact disc that awaited her arrival, back to the horrifying memories that haunted her every night in her sleep. She knew that tonight would be no different. Kaya wasn't even sure if she was ready to see this again, if she could show it to Kira without collapsing when the images exploded in front of her. But Kaya silently told herself that she had to do this. It was- and wasn't- something that she was required to do, whether she liked it or not. This was her past, and she had to face it eventually.

Once- more than once- Kaya's advanced hearing failed her, and she no longer heard the echo of Kira's footsteps behind hers. It was then that she turned, several times, making sure that he was still following her, that he hadn't turned away to go somewhere else or see something different.

But he was always there, and he expressed his concern for her every time that she turned around and stared at the silvery walls for longer than she should have. She never replied, and he seemed to be okay with that. Kira seemed to be able to feel, to _know_, that whatever his friend planned to show him wasn't something on the positive side.

Once, she stopped for so long that he actually caught up with her, touching her arm gently and looking into her eyes. Kaya looked away, unable to keep a steady gaze with him.

But she _would _be strong. She _vowed_ to herself that she _would be strong_. No matter what.

Before she realized it, Kaya and Kira had arrived at her quarters. The door opened, and Kaya took a breath as Kira touched her shoulder lightly again.

"I'm sorry if. . .it's not the cleanest," she muttered, stepping inside with him. She didn't catch the serious smile that crossed his face.

"Ah, it's okay. Better than mine, at least," Kira said, looking around. "Now. . .what was it that you wanted to show me?"

Kaya stopped for a brief second and blinked, realizing that she couldn't remember what it was she wanted to show him. "I. . ."

Then it clicked, and she spun around almost mechanically, crossing the room stiffly to her laptop and running a finger over the smooth black cover.

"Sit," Kaya said, nodding towards the bed as she picked up the laptop. "This could take a while. The video, it's. . .over half an hour long." She paused, suddenly frightened that Kira would turn her down, that he had better things to do. "You. . .do have time, don't you?"

Kira blinked, obliging to her request. When he looked up at her, it was all he could do not to shiver. The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes, those deep, never-ending pools of blue, were pleading with him. _Pleading_. Kaya had never been like this in all her years of life, and it scared Kira a little. _Maybe the war between Coordinators and Naturals is getting to her._

Nevertheless, he nodded reassuringly. "Of course. . .I have time. However much time is needed, unless something too important comes up like a battle against ZAFT or something."_ Athrun_. . .

He shook his head. "Don't look at me like that, please. It's. . .a little unnerving to see you in this condition. What's up? What did you want to show me?"

Kaya cursed under her breath. _Coordinator senses. Naturals. . .why the heck do I have to have both- to be both? How can I be both? Dammit. . .I have to remember. Think, come on, you have tothink. . ._

It clicked again in her mind, this time so hard that Kaya almost dropped the laptop. She managed to save it by tossing it on the bed(not the wisest thing to do, but hey) and then falling forward herself. Coincidentally, she landed in Kira's arms.

Kira looked down at her. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," she muttered. "Just fine." Carefully, Kaya stood again and pulled hair back out of her face, dropping onto the bed with a sigh. She picked up the laptop and drew the CD from a case on her bed, blowing gently at it and then inserting it in the slot provided for such things. Soon she was typing, her coordinator skills kicking in as her fingers whizzed over the keys. Her eyes darted across the screen, reading and identifying the commands she gave the hard drive. Not once did she hit the backspace key, but several times she hit control-escape.

Kira watched all of this, slightly amazed. He was transfixed up until the very last key she hit, which happened to be Enter.

"Impressive," he remarked as she breathed a sigh.

"Don't hold your breath," Kaya said, still mutteringShe suddenly tensed up, and he looked at her and then to the laptop.

"What did you get so tense about all of a sudden?" Kira asked. "I don't see anything wrong with this laptop."

Kaya took a deep, shaky breath and turned to him. "It's not what you see. . .it's what you hear. Listen, Kira. Listen _hard_." Her unblinking gaze flickered back to the screen.

Kira once again followed her orders, giving her an uncertain glance before turning his gaze to the screen. His eyes widened a little as color erupted in little pixels, exploding from black and blank to portray a scene that he could only have imagined in his mind- until now.

* * *

"_**Stop it! Dammit, stop! No!" A woman who looked to be about thirty twisted fiercely in a man's arms. He had her bound firmly against him in an attempt to restrain her, his cold ebony gaze piercing the air, blonde hair straight and spiked. The woman's own black hair whirled through the air with her struggles, her dark blue eyes wide with fear. "Stop!" **_

_**It was no use.**_

_**The scene changed, now portraying a young girl of about thirteen, with silver-tipped black hair and midnight blue eyes. She was screaming, and obviously in pain. Her eyes were shut tightly, fists clenched in a strong effort to relieve the pain. . .somewhat. **_

_**There was another man standing over the girl, towering at six foot five inches. He was staring down at her calmly, as though nothing out of the ordinary was going on. He had silver hair and light red eyes, eyes that reflected years of evil work. **_

_**The girl sank to her knees, a steady stream of tears flowing down her face as she shook. The man knelt next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, and the girl wrapped her arms around herself. He said something and she cried out again, both sentences murmured. Their lips were moving, but no sounds were made. **_

_**Then, for the first time, the man spoke clearly. "Kaya," he breathed, "Please, you're only making this harder for your mother and me. Stop it."**_

"_**No!" the girl screamed. "I don't want to make this any harder than it already is. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to do this." She looked up into her father's eyes. "Father, don't make me do this. . .Coordinator skills were never meant to be for this purpose. That man- he didn't do all of this work for this purpose. He did not create what so many call the ultimate race so that it could be a threat to society. Father, this is tearing our family apart one person at a time. People don't pass on the street without glaring at each other. . .it's not right. Don't make me do this!"**_

_**The man shook his head, sighing. "I'm sorry, my beloved daughter. But this is what you have to do. Your mother and I- we just can't hold onto you any more, not when this war is going on so clearly. Not when your mother's own life is at risk. She's a Natural, and I'm a Coordinator. Eventually, we will be separated. It will be better if we let you go now, then you won't have to suffer." His voice was soft, but commanding. **_

_**Kaya refused the tears now, she shook her head and hair fell into her face. It hid the pain in her eyes. "But, Father. . ." She bit her lip, cursing her own weakness. "I hate fighting. When you used to drink, you always fought with mother. Always- and I had to suffer then because of it. What would be so different now? I've always hated fighting. It hurts- oh, God, it hurts!"**_

_**The man kissed her on the forehead and stood up, going back to the woman. His wife had now stopped fighting against her restraint and was leaning limply against the man's arms, her eyes shining with tears as she cried helplessly and repeated, "Stop it, stop hurting my little girl," over and over again. He embraced her, putting a comforting arm around her shoulders as the other man let go. **_

_**The blonde nodded to the Misumis and walked back over to the car that was waiting, a black limousine bearing the silver "O" etched into it, for Orb. He cleared his throat and tapped the hood of the car, obviously waiting on the girl. "Pathetic," he muttered coldly, under his breath.**_

_**Kaya dried the tear stains on her cheeks and stood up, recovering from her episode almost immediately. A cold wind blew up, but she didn't flinch, turning toward the two that she had once called family as her hair blew in the wind. When she spoke, her voice was just as chilling.**_

"_**I will never forgive you."**_

_**She turned on her heel and walked stiffly to the car, disappearing inside of it and slamming the door shut. Her parents' expressions of anguish reflected off the black-tinted window as her mother turned into her father's shoulder, but Kaya saw none of this. **_

_**The man got into the passenger seat and shut the door, checking his watch before waving forward. The driver hit the gas, and the car shot forward. It held inside the defiant Kaya Emeli Misumi, who was never to grace her parents with her presence at the two-story mansion she had once called home again.**_

_**The scene once more switched, this time revealing a room that was completely gray, parts of it covered by shadow, others bathed in moonlight. **_

_**A girl in chains was bound loosely to the far back wall, her head down, hair falling in her face. The only sign that she was still alive was the sound of her breathing.**_

_**Another blonde-haired man entered the room, his hair falling across his shoulders and surrounding the white, glass-eyed mask that he wore.

* * *

**_

_Creuset_, Kira thought automatically. _ZAFT_.

* * *

"_**Young Miss Misumi, do you intend to kill yourself before we are through with you?" He drew a laser gun and pointed it at her, moving it to several parts of her body before finally resting on her face. "Honestly- I can tell you at least ten other ways to do it, many of which are more painful, but quicker and more effective." He studied her face from behind that mask, as she looked up at him coldly.**_

_**Her gaze was just as icy as her voice. "Dammit. I don't think you're just holding me here for questioning. Stop playing stupid games with me, and do whatever the hell it is you plan to do with me!"**_

_**He smiled at her, a rueful smile. "I can't do that for you, Miss Misumi."**_

_**She glared poisonous daggers. "Shut up. Who are you, anyway? Tell me!"**_

"_**Why? Why should I tell you?" He was taunting her.**_

_**Kaya smiled a little, a bitter smile. "Well, you've taken everything from me except my life, my state of mind, and my skills- I at least deserve to know the name of the stupid bastard who's trying to make me crack, pointing his gun at me but only taunting me and biding his stupid time."**_

_**The man relented, but only slightly. He switched the safety off the gun, the red laser dot jittering around on her chest. "Creuset," he said finally. "Rau le Creuset, Captain of the Vesalius." He studied her for a brief moment before speaking again. "And you are. . .?"**_

_**Kaya studied him as well, eventually settling on giving him a regarding look of dismay. "Creuset," she said, nodding to herself. "Catchy." Shaking hair from her eyes, she looked at him again. "You already know who I am, so why bother asking? Especially if you're going to kill me with that gun of yours." Kaya threw a nod towards the gun still aimed at her, the one resting in the Captain's hands. **_

_**Creuset smiled, lowering the gun a fraction of an inch. "You are a feisty one, aren't you?" He laughed quietly, "Yes. But let's say we start over, hm? From the beginning. Let's play a little game, shall we?"**_

**_Kaya frowned. "I don't play games."_**

_**He laughed again, the red dot coming to rest on her forehead. "You'll enjoy this one. If you win, you get to keep your life."**_

"_**Fine. Whatever. Just shut up and get on with it," Kaya spat- this guy, "Captain of the Vesalius", or whoever, was really wearing her patience.**_

_**He "tsk"-ed her, taking a few steps forward. "Now, now, we must not get testy at a time like this. We'll start from the beginning, pretend that I don't even know who you are."**_

_**He stopped for a moment, and Kaya cursed silently. He was studying her again. But she said nothing, her thoughts whirling angrily. '**Damn you, Creuset! Stop acting like a child and just ask me the questions! I don't want to see anyone's face more than I have to- especially not one of a man who's no older than thirty but acts like a little kid in his crazy, stupid antics!'_

_**Then, the questions started. "Hello there, I've not seen you around here before. What's your name?"**_

_**Kaya cursed him again, knowing she couldn't do anything about the situation. "Kaya. Kaya Misumi," she replied dryly, the frown still plastered on her face.**_

"_**Kaya Misumi. That's a wonderful name, Kaya."**_

'_There he goes again, the cheap idiot. This guy's pathetic for a Captain,**' Kaya thought bitterly.**_

_**His next statement caught her by surprise. **_

"_**You're very pretty."**_

**_Her head swung upwards as she glared daggers at him. "What?"_**

"_**Oh, yes," Creuset smiled. "Absolutely gorgeous."**_

_**Kaya bit her lip. How was she supposed to answer to this one? Frantically, she searched her brain for an answer. Thanking him was definitely out of the question. Finally, something turned up, and she grinned.**_

"_**Go to Hell."**_

_**The Captain seemed ruffled by this answer, though he didn't show it. A laugh escaped him. "Ah, I see you haven't been taught to respect your Superiors, Miss Misumi." His finger tightened slightly on the trigger, just short of pulling. Another twitch of it, and. . .**_

"_**We'll just have to fix that, won't we?" His voice was suddenly icy. The tone made Kaya shiver. This guy was a maniac! He had actually smiled when he saw the shudder pass through her body, as if he took pleasure in it. **_

_**In that moment, the game stopped. The young girl had no clue what she was up against.**_

_**A plan hit Kaya then, almost slapped her in the face. It would have bitten her if it had teeth.**_

_**She smiled inwardly, then closed her eyes and prayed to the Gods that it would work.**_

_**Kaya opened her eyes and stared at him, fear evident in her expression. It wasn't true fear, but the Drama class in high school was starting to pay off. **_

"_**No. . .please, Creuset- I mean, Captain- I offer you my apologies for being so harsh. . .it's just that I. . ." She trailed off, leading him into her own little game.**_

_**Creuset stopped, raising an eyebrow and daring to come a little closer as she lowered her head in mock defeat. "You what? Tell me, Miss Misumi. What have you to share?"**_

_**That voice, it was unnerving in the tone of calm. Still, Kaya refused herself the opportunity to scream- not yet.**_

"_**I just. . .my parents forced me to do this, and it's made my world so. . .different. Everyone is a complete stranger, and I- I just don't know what to do." She lowered her head. "Not anymore." **_

_**Creuset smiled. "I think I can start you in the right direction, Miss Misumi." He laughed as she looked up.**_

"_**Wh- what are you talking about? What do you mean? Is this another of your stupid little games?" Kaya demanded. He had shattered her plan of false insecurities. Maybe there was another way. . .**_

"_**Oh no, we're done playing games, Miss Misumi," Creuset said, his eyes moving to the dot on her forehead before tracing the shape of her figure. For a moment, he wondered, and then. . .**_

"_**Here, let me show you."**_

_**His finger twitched a little too hard on purpose, and the silver bullet shot out of the barrel towards Kaya before she could do anything. **_

_**Her eyes widened, and now she screamed, but it was not because she had meant to. Inevitable reality had shaken her world, and now she realized that she had been right about what had been happening. Now, it was true fear.

* * *

**_

"No!" Kira cried, not even realizing it. His amethyst gaze was wide with horror. "He can't!" Apparently he, too, realized what Creuset had been aiming for. _He was going to kill her_.

Kaya didn't glance at him as she normally would have if he had cried out; she was too busy reliving her own past, watching herself and the man she hated most of all.

* * *

_**Suddenly, Kaya's eyes narrowed and she jerked to the left, praying, hoping. . .**_

_**Yes. Her last-minute plan, however crude and dangerous, had succeeded. **_

_**The bullet slammed into the cuffs that bound her, just barely missing her wrist. She hissed in pain anyway as the metal cracked and split in half- a small piece of it had sliced her skin across the vein, and now she was not only under gunfire- a perfect target- but also wounded. **_

"_**No," she muttered, gripping the slick, bloody flesh with her other hand as she pulled free of the remaining chains, "Dammit, no. . ." Creuset's cold laugh echoed in her ears. Kaya calculated how fast she was losing blood, how much of it she would lose before the white cells in her bodywould block the cut, and she came up with a bad answer. Very bad. At this rate, she wouldn't be able to make it out of. . .wherever she was. **_

_**Where was she, anyway? She didn't know, and she didn't care at the moment. As long as she could get out safely. . .**_

_**Creuset fired off another shot, and this one hit her in the left shoulder. The resulting pain made her cry out, her eyes shut tightly. Great, now her right hand and left shoulder were both out of commission.**_

_**Kaya looked up, calculating again. How much time did she have to. . .?**_

_**Without thinking about it, she lurched forward, catching Creuset by mild surprise. He blinked, and in that split second, Kaya kicked him in the stomach hard enough to knock the wind out of him, and possibly more.**_

_**The gun clattered to the floor, Creuset landing in shock right beside it, clutching his stomach. He groaned, then leaned over and vomited on the cold stone floor several times.**_

_**Kaya didn't stop, snatching up the gun and leaping over the fallen man with a grunt of pain, then tearing out of the room. "Young and nieve," she muttered to herself, knowing full well that she was younger and probably even more nieve than he was.

* * *

**_

Kira breathed a sigh, his eyes still wide. _Wow. . .Kaya's got a lot more strength than I thought. She's pretty good at this._

He was called back to attention, focusing on the screen, as the scene switched again.

* * *

_**The sunlight, warm and reassuring, seemed to filter down like rain, washing over Kaya's body and bathing her in the warmth. She didn't have time to relish it. Her wounds were bleeding severely, and if she didn't find someone who not only could but would help her, she wasn't going to make it. Already, she was using more concentration than would have been necessary, concentrating on making it to wherever she was going rather than her pain.**_

_**A few minutes later, she collapsed over dots of her own blood, unable to go on. Several people gathered around her, whispering and muttering. **_

"_**She's hurt."**_

"_**I wonder if she has any family?"**_

"_**Someone should help her."**_

'_**Someone should help her?' Oh, sure, you can say it but do you do anything about it? No, you just stand there like idiots.**_

"_**Poor girl."**_

_**Eventually, a young woman with pink hair that cascaded down her back and bright blue eyes stepped forward, kneeling in concern. She was wearing a pink and white dress, with a gold clip that pulled hair back from her face, and pink shoes. The limousine she had been riding had stopped so that those inside could see what was going on. **_

_**A tall man stood next to her, with a cane. He had brown hair and very wise looks. His eyes weren't focused, indicating that he was blind. That also explained the cane.

* * *

**_

_Lacus. . . and Reverend Malchio, _Kira thought vaguely, shooting a glance at Kaya. She had a distant look in her eyes, the scene's colors reflecting off the blue. He sighed, shook his head, and returned his focus to the screen.

* * *

"_**Reverend Malchio!" the girl cried, looking up at him. **_

_**The man nodded. "We will take her back and tend to her wounds, Miss Clyne. Come, there is not much time."**_

_**The girl, Lacus Clyne, seemed to hesitate for a moment, then she nodded and picked up the unconscious form. Several people stepped back to clear a path for them as they traipsed back to the limousine and left behind the murmuring crowd. An old woman studied the blood, then turned to watch the car speed away in the distance.**_

"_**She will survive. That girl will survive, and she will help to end the war."**_

_**The scene faded out to black, and then another one faded in, slowly. It revealed a girl with the same looks as before, but she was a few years older, sixteen, and her hair was longer. She was standing in front of a desk and chair, both of which were completely shadowed. In the chair was a man, his face unrecognizable.**_

"_**I understand that you are Kaya Misumi, age sixteen, from this place, Orb territory, are you not?" His voice was rough, but calm.**_

_**Kaya nodded. "I am, sir."**_

"_**Very good. Let me see you properly." The man reached back and turned on the lights, illuminating everything in the room. He could now be seen as the leader of Orb, with shoulder-length brown hair and hazel eyes. He wore a burgundy-scarlet long-sleeved top with white rings around the cuffs, and a pair of pressed pants to match. His name? Uzumi Attha.**_

_**Kaya held up her hands, as the man stepped from his desk and walked around her. He paused, and she questioned his hesitation. "Mr. Attha?"**_

_**His eyes locked with hers. "That scar. What happened?"**_

_**Kaya lowered her hands, examining her right one. There was, indeed, a thin scar along her wrist, paler than her tanned complexion and clearly visible. "It was. . .a struggle, sir," she said finally, tearing her gaze away from his. "I was trying to get away, and a sharp piece of debris cut my skin."**_

_**He nodded, understanding that she wasn't completely telling the truth. "Are there other scars?"**_

_**Kaya pictured an image of this man as some sort of doctor in his spare time, then shook the scene away and nodded. "Yes, sir."**_

"_**Would you allow me to see?"**_

_**Reluctantly but without hesitation, Kaya shrugged off the half-sleeve jacket she was wearing and pointed to her left upper arm. "There."**_

_**The man examined it. "Gun scars."**_

_**She cringed. "Yes, sir. From the same event."**_

"_**Who treated you?"**_

_**Kaya blinked, her mouth half-open in a reply. What was the girl's name? Laca. . .Lac. . . Lacus. Yes, that was it. Lacus. Lacus Clyne. And. . .the preacher. . .Reverend Malchio. "Lacus Clyne and Reverend Malchio."**_

_**Uzumi Attha seemed slightly surprised. "Interesting," he said softly, as she shrugged her jacket back on again. "The Clyne residence."**_

_**Suddenly, his eyes narrowed. "Miss Misumi, was it?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Tell me, have you ever had any experience manipulating computers or machines of the sort?"**_

_**Kaya nodded immediately. "Yes. I took a computer class back in high school last year. . . learned how to program and re-program computers- I had an A for the full four years."**_

_**Attha nodded. "That's good, very good." He walked back around to the other side of his desk, placing both hands on it, palms down, as he watched her. "Miss Misumi, I'm sure you've heard of the war going on between Coordinators and Naturals."**_

_**Kaya went rigid. She forced herself to speak in a calm voice, remembering her mother and father. "Yes. My parents- they sent me away to fight. To fight in the. . . in the war. I do not**__**.. . I never did like fighting. I still don't." **_

_**To her surprise, the man laughed. A quiet laugh, calming. "Calm down. If we do send you to fight, it won't be for a very long time."**_

_**She looked up at him, meeting his steady gaze again. "If?"**_

_**He nodded. "Yes. It is a high possibility that you will be summoned to fight, but for what side you will fight is still a mystery." The man straightened. "You are free to go. Expect a call from us soon."**_

_**Kaya nodded and saluted the leader, as was customary. "Sir."**_

_**She walked out of the room, her steps echoing down the hall.

* * *

**_

The entire screen faded to black, and Kaya's form slumped. She let out a long, low sigh and put her face in her hands.

Kira blinked, moving closer and wrapping his arms around her. "Kaya?"

For a minute, Kaya looked as though she were going to cry. Then, she looked up at Kira, and he realized she'd been crying all along.

"Kaya," he breathed again, startled. It was the first time he'd seen her cry in a long time. The tears were running down her face in a steady stream, soaking her uniform.

Furiously, she swiped at the salty tears. "I- I'm sorry, Kira. . . I. . ."

"No." He cut her off firmly, staring into her eyes. "Lacus Clyne. . .I know her. She and the Reverend, they're quite close in their own ways. Mr. Attha- that's Cagalli's father." He paused. "That. . .that _was_ Cagalli's father. Before– "

"Before Orb was destroyed." Kaya finished the sentence for him, quietly. Everyone on Earth knew about Orb's destruction- the cause of the Earth Alliance's war with ZAFT. It was caught on tape, preserved forever as a reminder of the war that would end with only one side left standing.

Kira lowered his gaze. "Yes."

Kaya sighed, running a hand through her hair as she stared at the blank screen."Still- I'm sure there are plenty of questions that you have about what you just saw."

Kira blinked, looking at her. "Well. . .yes, yes I do, but only if you're up to answering them. I mean. . ."

Kaya hit a button on the keyboard, and the screen erupted into colors again. This time, however, it was more like a screen saver- with a picture of the sunset as the main image.

Kira remembered the sunset. . .he remembered it well. Back when he was still on Earth, as nothing more than an individual, he used to go to the gardens with his friends and watch the brilliant rays of multicolored light fade away softly. He vowed a long time ago- when he first joined the Earth Alliance out of fault- that when he got back to Earth, he would watch the sunset again, with the ones he cared about the most.

Kaya's voice, edged with exhaustion, pulled him from his thoughts. "Fire away, then."

He blinked again, "You're sure?"

She looked him square in the eyes. "If I wasn't sure, you wouldn't have seen this video in the first place. You're smart, Yamato- you know that."

Kira flinched inwardly, biting back a retort. She had called him _Yamato_. . .Yamato, not Kira. It reminded him way too much of that silver-haired ZAFT soldier who piloted the Duel Gundam.

"Um. . .all right." He took a breath, staring at the screen. "Well, first of all. . .how did you get all of that footage? Surely you didn't have someone standing behind you every time you did something."

"Simple. Security cameras."

Kira nodded absently. "Well, that checks out. But how did you get the footage from the cameras without getting caught?"

He saw a faint smile cross Kaya's lips. "Well, nobody helped me, that's for sure. I had to knock out twenty of the guards total before I could even reach the security base. Took me a while, but when I finally reached it, I was a bit shocked. There was absolutely nobody on guard in that one room- the idiots hadn't planned for anyone to get as far as they did, especially not some fourteen-year-old girl. After I got the video tapes, I just played them back, edited out parts that didn't matter to me, and then combined the files into one."

The smile was gone as quickly as it had come, leaving Kira to wonder whether it had ever been there at all.

"Okay, that checks out too, I suppose. My next question is this: how the heck did you catch Creuset off guard like that? He's usually more alert- or at least, he has been behind the battlefield."

Kaya thought for a long time, a heavy silence gracing the room. Just when Kira was about to ask about her unusual act of not responding, she stated, "I honestly have no idea."

The answer caught Kira off guard. He stared at her for a full length of five seconds before blinking. "What do you mean, you 'have no idea'?"

"I mean what I said- I have no idea." Kaya touched a place where the "mouse" would be, and the screen saver vanished to reveal a media player. She manipulated the mouse and clicked a few buttons, then moved a small switch towards herself and left the computer alone.

Music began to play, a familiar tune that Kira couldn't place. It was a band he had heard back on Earth and had listened to often, but since then he'd been cut off from the mechanics and machines that were there, including the music.

"What is that?"

"What's what? The music?"

"No- well, sort of- I mean. . .who composed it?"

"I did."

Kira's eyes widened. "_You_ did? But. . .I've heard that song before, how could you have composed it?"

Kaya laughed at his reaction, and he felt his spirits soar. "No, Kira, I'm just joking with you. I have composed music before, but not like this. No, this isn't something I could do. The band that sings this is absolutely brilliant."

He relaxed. "Well, then, who-"

Kaya reached for the switch again, pushing it more towards the computer and turning up the volume a few decibels. "It's Linkin Park. I love them, they're awesome. This particular song is my favorite- it's called, 'My December.'(1) You said you've heard the song before- that doesn't surprise me. They never played it on the radio or anything, but they really should have." She sighed. "It's such a wonderful song- reminds me of a lot."

Kira obliged, listening intently. When he heard Kaya humming, he glanced at her. "You know the words?"

She nodded, smiling. "Of course. I know the words to a lot of songs, especially my favorites." One hands reached up to tap her head. "Photographic memory, I can recall things really easy."

Kira brushed hair from her eyes. "Sing for me."

Kaya broke from her listening trance and looked at him, eyes wide. "What?"

He nodded. "Please? I know you can do it, just. . .will you sing for me? I want to hear you."

Kaya hesitated. "Well, I- I haven't done any singing lately, I'm not sure how good I would be at it."

Kira smiled. "Yes, you have. I hear you, at night. You sing all the time at night. Come on, please?"

Finally, Kaya gave in. "All right," she said. "Okay. I'll sing for you."

She restarted the song, took a breath, and, as Kira listened with his amethyst gaze focused out the window at space so she wouldn't get nervous because he was staring at her, began to sing.

"_This is my December  
this is my time of the year  
This is my December  
this is all so clear _

This is my December  
this is my snow covered home  
This is my December  
this is me alone

And I  
just wish that I didn't feel  
like there was something I missed  
And I  
take back all the things I said  
to make you feel like that  
And I  
just wish that I didn't feel  
like there was something I missed  
And I  
take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away  
just to have somewhere to go to give it all away  
to have someone to come home to

This is my December  
these are my snow covered dreams  
This is me pretending  
this is all I need

And I  
just wish that I didn't feel  
like there was something I missed  
And I  
take back all the things I said  
to make you feel like that  
And I  
just wish that I didn't feel  
like there was something I missed  
And I  
take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away  
just to have somewhere to go to  
give it all away  
to have someone to come home to

This is my December  
this is my time of the year  
This is my December  
this is all so clear

And I give it all away  
just to have somewhere to go to  
give it all away  
to have someone to come home to. . ."

Kaya stopped singing and the music faded away. Kira looked at her, and only then did he realize that silent tears were falling down her face.

For a long time, neither of them spoke. Kaya bit her lip but let the tears flow, staring at the once again blank screen of her laptop as she had every night for a long time. Kira didn't speak, burning a hole in the window with his gaze.

After a while, the silence was broken by an alarm and the captain calling over the speakers for everyone to get into "Level one battle stations!"

Kira stood quickly, glancing at the door and then back to his companion. Gently, he placed a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up at him through moistened eyes. "Kaya, I. . ."

"Go," Kaya replied, cutting him off as she dried her tears and smiled warily at him. "Go on, go fight- for me. For all of us. For the _Archangel_. Don't hesitate, okay? I know that you can do it, you've always done it before." She paused, then stood. "Promise me that you'll come back?"

He stared into her eyes. They were shining.

"I promise you that, Kaya," Kira said softly. "If nothing else, I promise you that."

* * *

Seconds later, he found himself running down the corridors, flying for the Strike. Someone clapped him on the shoulder along the way, and Kira found Mwu la Fraga next to him. He smiled.

"Let's go, kid. You've got work to do."

* * *

Kira climbed into the cockpit of the Strike, securing his helmet in place and latching it. The door to the cockpit closed, and he found his hands expectantly moving to the controls. It was routine- a sequence he'd memorized a thousand times over without really meaning to.

"Strike, you're clear for takeoff. Good luck." Miriallia's voice crackled over the speaker. Kira nodded to himself, bracing for the impact of launch.

"Strike, Kira Yamato, _launching_!"

Kira's body crashed against the seat and held fast there for the time that the Gundam was propelled from the hangar. When he was out in space, clear of the Archangel, he leaned forward slightly and examined the radar on screen.

_Hm. . .everything seems to be okay with the Strike, that's- what?_

A flash of red and a warning beep, and Kira's eyes darted up to two red dots on the screen. Mobile suits, heading right for him.

_The Duel. . .and the Aegis. Where's the Buster?_

Nowhere. The Buster wasn't on the battlefield at all, how. . .strange. Kira suddenly had the bad feeling that this fight wasn't going to be as easy as it normally was.

_I'll take them down anyway._

The Duel split, heading behind him for the Archangel.

"No!" Kira screamed. The Strike moved to counter the Duel, but it was stopped by an attack from the Aegis. Kira's eyes narrowed.

_The Aegis. . .Athrun. . ._

The light saber beam was swung forward, towards the left arm of the Strike. Kira dodged the attack, shooting backwards and stopping in front of the Duel. Strike's own light saber beam was pulled.

The Duel seemed to pause, drawing the beam but not attacking. It was as though the silver-  
haired pilot inside was waiting for something. . . but what?

And then, Kira knew. _The Buster!_

As if that single thought had provoked a reaction, the GATX-103 Buster Gundam appeared before the Strike, as the Duel shot upwards. Kira gasped in surprise.

It swung at the Strike before Kira could discern what was going on. "No!" Kira cried again, activating the thrusters. The Strike shot backwards and then up, flying through the air.

Another alarm told Kira that the Aegis was coming up behind him. The Strike turned, light saber blazing, awaiting the attack.

It never came.

* * *

A few minutes later, Kira blinked, looking around. The Buster and Duel had both vanished, probably back to their base ship.

That left Athrun and him all alone on the battlefield.

He heard a faint beeping noise, and hit the video link. Athrun's face appeared before him.

Kira's amethyst eyes widened. "Athrun!"

The navy-haired, green-eyed soldier smiled ruefully. "Hello, Kira. It's been a long time."

Kira narrowed his eyes, glancing away momentarily, taking in the vast amount of space there was in. . .space, before he looked back. "Likewise."

Another crackle, and Kira faintly heard the Lieutenant's voice. "Ensign Yamato, what are you doing? You're supposed to be _fighting_ the enemy, not _conversing _with them! Are you trying to get us all killed?"

Kira frowned. "I'll do what I can to fight," he replied, switching off the link to silence repeated, frantic shouts of his name.

Athrun laughed bitterly. "I guess we should be fighting, huh?"

Kira lowered his gaze. "We _are_ fighting, Athrun. We've been fighting ever since that day when I joined the Earth Alliance."

Athrun narrowed his eyes, frustration sweeping through him. "I still don't understand it, Kira. After all this time, why are you still fighting against your own kind? It doesn't make any sense!"

Kira's own frustration turned into anger as he glared. He attacked the Aegis, slashing at the left arm. "It doesn't _have_ to make sense!" he screamed, as the attack was deflected by the Aegis's beam saber. "We've already been through this! There are people on that ship that I'm obligated to protect! I have to protect them, and the Archangel!"

"You're not thinking straight, Kira! You don't _have_ to protect them! You protect them because you _want to_! How many times do they have to force your hand before you'll realize the truth? They're just using you to protect themselves!"

That last comment stung. It hit hard, right where Kira's heart was. He growled, "You're wrong! They aren't using me, I'm doing this of my own accord!"

"You see, Kira? You've just proved my statement, you're doing this because you want to! _Open your eyes_. If you keep fighting for the Naturals, you won't ever win! You'll be destroyed, along with the rest of them!"

Kira attacked again, hitting the shield on the Aegis. "You're wrong!" hecried, for the second time."I won't! I'll keep fighting, no matter how long it takes!"

Athrun frowned, deflecting the attack and attacking the Strike. "You know? Maybe you shouldn't be alive. If all those people on Earth, all those Naturals, if they knew you were alive, they would want to be like you. They would want to do the best they could, to fight for whatever they believe necessary. But they would fight to protect their own kind, not just the ones they loved!" He let out a cry of rage. "So come on! Come on and attack me, then! _Destroy me_! If it will make you feel better, taking another life, adding another life to the board marking death, adding one next to the countless civilians, soldiers, next to that boy, _Tolle_'s name, then _go ahead_! _Kill me_!"

Kira's eyes widened, his mouth opening in surprise. A startled gasp came from him, and his hands froze over the controls. _Kill. . .? Athrun. . .no! _He lowered his gaze again, eyes hidden in shadow behind that mop of tousled brown hair.

_No, God. . ._

_You shouldn't be alive, Kira! If people knew that you were alive, they would want to be like you!_

_Tolle. . ._

"_Shouldn't you be familiar with this place, Kira Yamato?"_

"_Why should I?"_

"_Why Kira, this is your birthplace."_

_No. . .it. . .I can't. . ._

"_Promise me that you'll come back?"_

"_I promise you that, Kaya. If nothing else, I promise you that."_

_Kaya. . ._

"_I'm sure you've heard of the war going on between Coordinators and Naturals."_

"_Yes. My parents- they sent me away to fight. To fight in the. . . in the war. I do not. . . I never did like fighting. I still don't." _

_All those people. . .dammit, all those innocent people. . .who have I really been protecting? Who am I really fighting for?_

"_I hate all of you . . .you Coordinators!You should all be dead!"_

Kira's eyes narrowed again. _Fllay. . ._

In the next five seconds he had regained hold on the controls and attacked Athrun with extreme force. "SHUT UP!" Kira yelled furiously. "JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE WAR! I don't want to hear any of it, I don't want to think about it! Just shut up and die!"

Athrun blocked his attack, holding him off, watching his childhood friend totally lose himself. "You see, Kira? This war. . .it's changed you. You hate fighting, and yet you fight as though it means the world to you."

"What are you talking about?" Kira spat.

Athrun remained calm and collected, pushing away the beam saber with the Aegis's.

"You know what I'm talking about, Kira. Both of us are fighting, for the same reasons. You're fighting because you care about people, and so am I. But I'm fighting this battle, right now, for one person. The one person that I have to guard myself against on the battlefield. I'm fighting, Kira. _For you_. And you just told me to _shut up and die_."

Somewhere on the screen in the Strike, another alarm went off, signaling something that wasn't fatal but should be taken care of soon. The brown-haired soldier paid no attention.

Kira froze up again, his gaze once again falling. His eyes widened as they had so many times before, out of shock. He didn't say anything. Slowly, the world came back to him, wrenching his heart into pieces. His shoulders began to shake, twitching hard, harder than they should have, and his breathing came out quicker, too quick. He was breathing irregularly now, sucking in shaky breaths and trying to save any calm he had, and his breath came out in short, quick gasps.

Kira shut his eyes tight, the tears springing from them and floating around in the anti-gravity of space.

"Kira," Athrun said. Dammit, how could he stay so calm!

With a wordless cry of anguish, Kira slammed his fist down on the keyboard, the video vanishing immediately and the regular voice message system returning online. He let the tears fall, fists clenched tight in fury, his whole body shaking with rage and pain and uncontrollable grief.

* * *

Back on the Archangel, those in the control room were listening to every word. Miriallia was halfway to tears, Kazui was staring down at his hands, and Sai had his own eyes closed, leaning back in the chair and pulling from reserves of calm. Captain Murrue Ramius, Lieutenant Natarle Badgiruel, and Mwu la Fraga were all staring silently at the screen.

The silence was broken when a sob escaped Captain Ramius, as she bit her lip and clenched her fists. Fraga placed a hand on her shoulder, and she turned into him, crying silently.

Still, nobody said a word. Even the Lieutenant had no comment to make about the situation. She closed her eyes and took a breath, her ownhandstightening into fists before relaxing again.

When they heard Kira scream, scream of all his pain and hurt and the emotional scars he had received in the past months, all the torture of battle that he had endured, screaming as the memory of Tolle dying in the seconds that Athrun destroyed him replayed in his mind, all control was lost.

Natarle shot forward, out of her chair, and ran out of the room, the door shutting with a hiss behind her. Captain Ramius, whose crying had faded to soft breathing, fell to Mwu's chest again as her sobs filled the room. Mwu tightened his comforting grip on her back, staring through narrowed, hard sienna eyes at the screen.

_Kira. . .

* * *

_

In her room, Kaya was listening to another song, curled up on the bed and staring out the window at the Strike mobile suit, at the tortured soldier that she couldn't see. Softly, she began to sing along with the song as it restarted, finding herself unable to cry.

(2)_"It's easier to run_

_replacing this pain with something more_

_It's so much easier to run_

_than face all this pain here all alone_

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me_

_a secret I've kept locked away_

_no one can ever see_

_Wounds so deep, they never show, _

_they never go away_

_Like moving pictures in my head,_

_For years and years they play_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain I would_

_retrace every wrong move that I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would_

_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain the pain I would_

_retrace every wrong move that I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would_

_I would take all my shame to the grave_

_It's easier to run, _

_replacing this pain with something more _

_It's so much easier to go_

_than face all this pain here all alone_

_Sometimes I remember _

_the darkness of my past_

_Bringing back these memories _

_I wish I didn't have_

_Sometimes I think of letting go_

_and never looking back_

_and never moving forward so_

_there'd never be a past_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain I would _

_retrace every wrong move that I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would _

_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain I would _

_retrace every wrong move I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would_

_I would take all my shame to the grave_

_Just watching it aside_

_all of the helplessness inside_

_Pretending I don't feel this place_

_It's so much simpler than change_

_It's easier to run _

_replacing this pain with something more_

_It's so much easier to go_

_than face all this pain here all alone_

_It's easier to run_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain I would_

_retrace every wrong move that I made_

_It's easier to go_

_If I could change I would _

_take back the pain I would_

_retrace every wrong move that I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would _

_I would take all my shame to the grave. . ._"

Kaya slowly drew herself up from the bed, sighing sadly and shaking her head. Giving a last glance out the window at space, she discovered that the mobile suit was still there, floating, suspended in nothing.

_Nothing. . .suspended in nothing. . .completely alone out there. . ._

She shook her head again. He may have been alone out there, but he was not alone completely. He would never be. Those who were living would be there for him always- and even those who were dead would be watching him, no matter what feelings they may have whether they be against him or think positive of him. The young soldier would never be completely alone, even if he wanted to be.

Kaya started for the bathroom. Maybe a good hot shower would erase the memories from her mind.

Maybe. . .

But she doubted it.

* * *

_(So? What did you think? I thought I did pretty good, but then again that's just me. I sincerely hope that you all enjoyed this chapter. Kaya's past really wasn't much, but there will be more on it later. La-ter. That means you'll have to keep reading and wait patiently (or, not patiently, take your pick) for the next chapter. I'll try to update as soon as possible. **READ AND REVIEW PLEASE! **Get it? Haha, thanks in advance.)

* * *

_

(1) "My December," for those of you that didn't know, is a song from off Linkin Park's CD, "Reanimation." It happens to be my favorite at the moment, but that might change soon.

(2) That song was also by Linkin Park, which happens to be my favorite band(not that any of you care...haha). Most of you probably know that one, it's "Easier to Run" from the CD "Meteora".Sometimes it is easier to run, but eventually whatever you're running from comes back to haunt you. I know that from personal experience. . .but anyway. Yeah. It's a good song, and it symbolizes a lot concerning Gundam SEED, in my opinion. Kira's trying to evade those horrible memories, but it doesn't work, because every day they return to him. . .how sad. . .


	6. Nightmare

_(Hi again! 'Tis me, back with another chapter! -cheers!- Even though I'm almost completely brainwashed from Spring Break, I feel like I have to have another chapter to continue the unwillingly promoted saga of Kaya's past. Did that even make sense? -sighs- Ah, well. Not much to say here, just enjoy the chapter and tell me what you think._

_**Disclaimer(s): I do not own Gundam Seed, I only own Kaya.**)

* * *

Last Time, Chapter 5: My Past_

**For a long time, neither of them spoke. Kaya bit her lip but let the tears flow, staring at the once again blank screen of her laptop as she had every night for a long time. Kira didn't speak, burning a hole in the window with his gaze. **

**After a while, the silence was broken by an alarm and the captain calling over the speakers for everyone to get into "Level one battle stations!" **

**Kira stood quickly, glancing at the door and then back to his companion. Gently, he placed a hand on her shoulder, and she looked up at him through moistened eyes. "Kaya, I. . ."**

"**Go," Kaya replied, cutting him off as she dried her tears and smiled warily at him. "Go on, go fight- for me. For all of us. For the _Archangel_. Don't hesitate, okay? I know that you can do it, you've always done it before." She paused, then stood. "Promise me that you'll come back?"**

**He stared into her eyes. They were shining. **

"**I promise you that, Kaya," Kira said softly. "If nothing else, I promise you that."**

**---**

**In the next five seconds he had regained hold on the controls and attacked Athrun with extreme force. "SHUT UP!" Kira yelled furiously. "JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE WAR! I don't want to hear any of it, I don't want to think about it! Just shut up and die!"**

**Athrun blocked his attack, holding him off, watching his childhood friend totally lose himself. "You see, Kira? This war. . .it's changed you. You hate fighting, and yet you fight as though it means the world to you."**

"**What are you talking about?" Kira spat.**

**Athrun remained calm and collected, pushing away the Strike's beam saber with the Aegis's. **

"**You know what I'm talking about, Kira. Both of us are fighting, for the same reasons. You're fighting because you care about people, and so am I. But I'm fighting this battle, right now, for one person. The one person that I have to guard myself against on the battlefield. I'm fighting, Kira. _For you_. And you just told me to _shut up and die_."**

**Somewhere on the screen in the Strike, another alarm went off, signaling something that wasn't fatal but should be taken care of soon. The brown-haired soldier paid no attention.**

**Kira froze up again, his gaze once again falling. His eyes widened as they had so many times before, out of shock. He didn't say anything. Slowly, the world came back to him, wrenching his heart into pieces. His shoulders began to shake, twitching hard, harder than they should have, and his breathing came out quicker, too quick. He was breathing irregularly now, sucking in shaky breaths and trying to save any calm he had, and his breath came out in short, quick gasps.**

**Kira shut his eyes tight, the tears springing from them and floating around in the anti-gravity of space. **

"**Kira," Athrun said. Dammit, how could he stay so calm! **

**With a wordless cry of anguish, Kira slammed his fist down on the keyboard, the video vanishing immediately and the regular voice message system returning online. He let the tears fall, fists clenched tight in fury, his whole body shaking with rage and pain and uncontrollable grief.

* * *

****Chapter Six: Nightmare**

She stood there silently, letting the burning water slide down her smooth skin, dripping off her soaked hair soundlessly. It fell in sheets, the sting of the hot drops gradually lessening as her body became used to the heat. With loud patters it slammed into the bottom of the shower, the heat that radiated bouncing off the cool sliding door and fogging up the inside and out. Her body never once moved; her face turned up to welcome the water, limbs motionless for the moment.

Her indigo eyes narrowed with emotion, lips parting slightly, pursed for the same reason. This- she couldn't remember why, but this reminded her. The way the water fell down her back, trickled down her face, it reminded her of

_(rain the rain so sweet like the caress of him, the one you love)_

Kaya tensed, snapped back to reality. _What...? _Where had that thought come from? It was so strange, yet so familiar. . .and then she understood.

_Her parents._

She frowned. _No._ She would not forgive them, no matter what. Never. Never, _never_. . .

_You'll never hear me crying_

_you'll never see me trying_

_To love you once again_

_your love is so past tense..._

No matter what.

Kaya wrapped her arms around herself, her fingers gently grazing the slick, wet skin as she shivered. Memories came back to her again, and she knew it was the same sequence that she saw when she was having the

_(nightmare thenightmare the one that wakes you at night soaked in a cold sweat and crying, crying out for someone. . .crying out for him. . .)_

dreams that came to her at night.

She shook her head fiercely, trying to ward off her conscious as she reached for a towel, not bothering to turn off the water or step out of the shower, and wrapped it around her waist. The things it whispered in her ear were sometimes enough to make her lose all control over her emotions. Who was it- what was it that made her wake up in the middle of the night with a terrified scream on her lips?

_(Don't play stupid. You know exactly who and what it is.)_

_It's. . .no. . .no! _Kaya thought determinedly, gritting her teeth in frustration. _It can't be him! Kira is a friend, nothing more! He means a lot to me, but he's not-_

_(Don't kid yourself. You're head over heels for that guy, and you know it. You've known it ever since. . .)_

Kaya's eyes widened, and then she shut them, clapping her hands over her ears in a desperate attempt to block out the sneering voice. "No! Stop it! Stop it!"

_Your love is everything I live for_

_your voice is what I hear_

_Your touch is everything I dreamed of_

'_Cause you are _

_The one I need. . ._

The voice continued to remind her of the constant pain and torture she was in, along with the fact that she had a crush on her troubled best friend, and she screamed, screamed herself hoarse, her nails digging into the soft flesh until it was red, until she couldn't take the pain, couldn't scream any more.

Only then did her screaming taper and fade away, as tears and dry sobs mingled with the warm water that ran down her cheeks, and Kaya slid down to the floor of the shower, closing her eyes and shivering as warm gave way to icy cold. She let out a heavy breath, tilting her head against the side wall as the freezing drops hit her skin and slid down the curves her body portrayed, sliding down her neck and between her breasts, drowning her in the bone-chilling memories and cold.

"Stop it," she whispered, her strength spent. The voice seemed to laugh in quiet satisfaction as she repeated those two words over and over and over again.

"Stop it. . .stop it. . .stop it. . ."

_It had been such a long time since she'd been outside. . .such a very long time. . ._

_The wind caressed her bare skin, cold, but it felt good- reassuring, to the largest extent. Her indigo eyes stared unwavering across the skyline, over the water, and to the dark horizon. The night was lovely- spent, but truly filled with a serene calm that she hadn't seen in ages. Delicate breezes ran their fingers through her dark hair, lifting it off her neck to caress her cheek._

_Kaya stood on the balcony of the two-story mansion where she had resided her entire life. Her lavender silken nightgown, the one that fit tighter than others, brushed against her legs, her feet bare on the cold cement. Her illness had kept her in bed for quite some time now, with a high, dangerous fever and nightmares that haunted her fitful torrents of sleep, and it felt almost perfect when she was finally able to creep outside at night again._

_Almost._

_But still, it wasn't enough. Because of the dreams, her mind now hungered for something more than simple thought and pleasure. _

_It wanted death._

_Over the minutes that seemed to have convinced themselves that they were hours, as Kaya lie tossing and turning, entangled in her white sheets and soaked in fever-born sweat, the dreams that had tortured her had finally pushed her mind over the edge, just slightly. Even so, that slight nudge was enough for it to believe that death was the only way._

_The only way to prove that she really was still alive. The only way to prove that it is only a dream. The only way to prove that she would be all right. The only way to satisfy her empty soul._

_The only way to prove that someone would always catch her when she fell._

_So now, as she stared unblinkingly at the horizon, Kaya only sub-consciously noticed as her feet betrayed her and stepped up from the cold stone floor of the balcony onto the equally cold rail, her body standing precariously balanced on top of the thin, smooth metal._

_Her mind screamed at her then, realizing its mistake just in time. (Don't even think about it! There will be nobody down there to catch your fall! You will slice through the air like a knife through cheese, and then you will slam into the pavement and your heart will stop beating and you will die. . .do not do this!)_

"_Prove it," she whispered, her voice gentle but hoarse. "Prove to me that there will be nobody to catch my fall." She spread her arms out, rising on tiptoe, and turned so that she was facing her room. "You are wrong. He will always be there to catch me. Always. . ."_

_Then, she leaned backward just enough for the wind to sweep her back with its sudden gust, her hair flying as balance was lost and gravity took over, pulling her towards the earth._

_The chilling air whipped against her body, defying her fall, her nightgown shining in the light of the full moon as it clung to her bare legs. _

_She closed her eyes and waited for the hard crash of impact._

_It never came. _

_Slowly, Kaya opened her eyes, blinking, and stared up into the genuinely worried face of the one she loved. A soft smiled graced her paled features as she closed her eyes again, relaxing in his arms as her body gave in to exhaustion._

"_Knew you'd catch me. . ."_

_The young man, his dark hair blowing in the wind, hazel eyes studying her in concern, spoke her name, his lips pursed and taut with worry, the fear of her death from such a fall evident. _

"_Kaya. Kaya, answer me! Kaya!"_

A wet hand shook her hard, in a strong attempt to break her from her silent reverie. "_Kaya! Come on, dammit, wake up!_"

Reluctantly, fearing that her dreams were real, the young girl opened her eyes. "Stop. . ." she murmured, shivering as her body made the connection that the water had run cold, snapping her senses into overdrive.

She saw three sets of eyes- an amber set, a blue set, and another of a lighter blue color, all of them gazing down in concern.

The hands that reached for her next belonged to the same person as the light blue eyes- a man dressed in a unique uniform with blonde hair. She vaguely remembered seeing him somewhere, and then once again her senses came to the rescue as her memory found its connection to her brain.

"Creuset," she muttered, flinching away from him and wrapping her arms around herself. He paused, a hand nearly to her shoulder, ready to shake her again.

Startled, Fraga glanced back at Miriallia. "What in the...?"

Miriallia sighed, fiddling nervously with her bushy chestnut hair. "I- I don't know," she admitted. The word scared her- how did she know about Creuset? Kaya had never heard the others talk about him- at least she didn't think so- and she doubted that Kaya had ever seen his face, even in battle.

Then again, there weren't very many of the younger soldiers- Sai, Kuzzy, herself- that actually _had_ seen him. Kira had, of course, and so had some of the superiors.

"She must be delirious." Both Miriallia and Fraga were surprised when the Lieutenant spoke up. "Haww, get her in some dry clothes and make sure she's all right. Fraga, you have your orders."

Miriallia hesitated, then nodded. "Yes, Lieutenant Badgiruel."

* * *

(Several Hours later, ZAFT)

"Athrun. _ATHRUN!_"

Athrun blinked, pausing with the fork of chicken halfway to his mouth. "What?"

Yzak snorted. "So you finally got through to him, huh Dearka? Impressive."

"Shut up, Yzak," Dearka retorted, leaning forward absently and directing his attention back to Athrun. "I asked you a question."

Athrun shook his head, sliding the chicken off the fork and chewing it thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, I had my mind on other things. . ."(He paused to a sneered, "Obviously," from Yzak.) "What did you say?"

Dearka shook his head, swallowing drink before he answered. "I'm beginning to worry about you, Athrun. You seem to space out quite a bit more than you used to. One of these days, it's going to cause a major loss on our side of the battlefield." He put his drink down. "Anyway, I was asking about the day Nichol died."

Athrun tensed, his grip on his forkful of salad tightening a little. Even after he'd gotten over Nichol's death, it was still hard for him to deal with. "I- I don't really like talking about it, Dearka."

Yzak stepped in before Dearka could say a word. "Probably because your supposed-best-friend was involved," he snapped bitterly. Dearka shot him a cold glare, but it barely scratched Yzak's bitter facade.

"Look, Athrun, I don't mean to invade your personal life or anything, it's just that. . .well, I never got all the details from you. I get the feeling you left out a lot."

Athrun shifted his gaze. "You were there. You saw it."

"Yeah, but seriously," Dearka pressed a little. "Sure, we saw Nichol. . ." He trailed off, searching for a word other than the one that would immediately have escaped, and, finding none that would suit him, gave up, "_die_, but we didn't see your initial reaction."

"Or the reaction of that stupid Strike pilot," Yzak added, trying to sound as though he didn't really care and missing his mark by a fraction of an inch. There was a small amount of what could be remorse in his voice, barely detectable even by the easiest of body-language readers.

Athrun finished his dinner and made to stand, but Dearka's hand on his arm forced him to stop. Great, now he had no means of escape from this discussion.

Dearka nodded to the chair, his voice firm as he released Athrun's arm and commanded, "_Sit down."_

Much to the Buster pilot's surprise, Athrun obliged without protest, sinking back into his chair with a sigh. "What," he muttered, running a hand over his face.

Dearka grinned ruefully. "You're not leaving until you _tell me _about Nichol's death."

Athrun frowned at him. "Why the hell is it so important to you? It's not like we don't have other problems to talk about, not like other people didn't die."

Dearka's grin faded into seriousness. "_Nichol_ was more than just another person. He was _part of our team, _Athrun. His death can't just slide and disappear like another casualty."

Athrun stood once again, annoyed. He placed both palms flat on the table, staring Dearka in the eye. "It _was_, though. He died in war, just like all the others. There's nothing we could do to change that."

Yzak was pissed. He lunged forward and grabbed Athrun's shirt, spinning him around and pinning him to the wall with both hands.

"Dammit!" he screamed, glaring at Athrun, keeping firm on his hold. "You think this is all some game, Athrun Zala? That Nichol's death _was_ nothing _more _than a _casualty_?"

Athrun glared back, placing his own firm grip on the Duel pilot's shoulders and throwing him backwards, turning him to face the wall. "_No_!" he cried. "God, no! Nichol's death can never pass as _nothing more than a casualty_! Never! If it were to be as such, if we had never known Nichol, if he was just another person that we never came across then. . ." Athrun trailed off, breathing hard. He let go of Yzak, who tripped and stumbled forward, glaring heatedly at him.

"Then _what_?"Yzak asked, unsure whether he really wanted to know the answer or not.

Athrun sighed, turning his back on the soldiers and walking out of the room. He stopped at the door to finish his sentence.

"Then maybe we wouldn't be discussing his death."

They stared after him in silence as the door shut. Dearka whistled. "Touchy on that subject, isn't he?"

Yzak leaned against the wall, draining the soda he'd picked back up and crushing the can. "It's all because of the Strike pilot. Something about them being friends before the war, I've heard that much picking up on their conversations in space. He killed Nichol while we were back on Earth, and then a few months later Athrun took the lives of one of the EA's pilots, maybe out of revenge."

Dearka nodded stiffly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. I remember that," he replied dryly.

"There was a nice explosion," Yzak muttered, tossing the crushed can in the trash and pushing off the wall, crossing his arms. "Big, and really bright."

Dearka turned on him, crossing his own arms, his voice clipped. "Explosions are _always_ big, and they're _always_ bright. But they're never," his face darkened, "_never_ nice. I don't even see how you could make such a statement, since Nichol's death was the same way- and you seemed pretty pissed off about it afterwards, if I remember correctly." Dearka nodded to himself. "Yeah- your locker still has the marks to prove it." He walked out of the room.

Yzak huffed, growling in frustration, and he sank into a chair only after Dearka was gone. One hand immediately shot up to his temple, massaging it and willing away the intense headache he'd just gotten.

_Coordinators shouldn't be allowed to get headaches. They shouldn't be allowed to feel such pain. Dammit...

* * *

(EA, Archangel)_

Kira took another sip of coffee and leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes and letting a resigned sigh echo through the room. He paid no attention to the sound of the door opening or the click of footsteps on the floor pausing in front of him, not until a familiar voice spoke.

"Your little girlfriend fainted in the shower today." It was a sneer, as though taunting him. A cold voice, one that he'd taken to ignoring to a certain extent. The green eyes that accented it were just as cold.

Kira opened his eyes and stared up at the tall figure deemed Fllay. "How the hell would you know that?" he asked dryly, temporarily setting aside all forms of concern.

Fllay laughed. "I have my...sources. Why would you bother asking such a question? Word spreads around pretty fast on a ship like this." She snickered. "Apparently, she was thinking about you. I think you love her, Kira Yamato."

Kira stood up fast, spilling what remained of the coffee (it was ignored by both of them) as his hands clenched into fists and he stared her down angrily. She didn't flinch or avert her eyes- just gazed back at him with that leer still plastered on her face. "I do not!"

"Oh, yes, you do," Fllay replied, reaching to touch his face. "You're obsessed with her. Her thoughts, her actions, her _moves-_" Kira blushed inwardly, "-and you can't even tell her because she's too busy crying or worrying or fainting. That's not the kind of girl you want, Kira."

Fllay leaned in closer, so that Kira could feel her breath hot on his face as she spoke.

"_You want me._"

In the next three seconds, Kira was at the other side of the room, clinging to the wall for a support and glaring weakly at Fllay. "No! No, I don't! You're wrong! I don't!"

Fllay's lips curled into a smile again, and she raised her hands, shrugging and continuing to the counter, "Well, say what you want," she remarked in an almost teasing manner.

Kira bolted from the room, the door slamming shut behind him.

Fllay laughed derisively to herself. "Almost there, Kira. We're almost there."

* * *

(Elsewhere)

Kaya stared blankly out the window, not really seeing anything at all. Her eyes were glazed and unfocused, a little clouded over as a result of her thoughts and not-so-well-being.

The door opened without a knock, and she paid no attention to whomever it was until they rested a light hand on her shoulder.

Kaya's eyes flickered to the corners of her visual perception, and then she sighed. "Something wrong, Sai?"

He smiled at her lightly. "No, not at all, I just brought you some dinner." He hesitated, pushing his glasses up on his nose and setting the tray down, then added, "Is everything all right?"

Kaya picked up the glass of water and swirled it around, the water spinning inside. She stared at it carefully, her expression dull as she watched the bubbles rise to the surface dizzily. "I asked you first," she responded dryly.

It wasn't meant as a joke.

"And I responded. So why won't you answer me?" Sai sat down next to her and watched the water, too, for a while. When he realized that she wasn't going to answer, he turned his gaze away, to her laptop. "That's impressive," he remarked, and she glanced at the portable computer with all her files stored away.

"Nah, it's not much," she sighed, sitting up and poking at the meat with her fork. "The officials who came to take me away so I could join the Earth Alliance told me to bring only what I could carry in my hands, and, well. . .that was it," she finished, stabbing at a green bean and putting it into her mouth, chewing carefully.

Sai nodded. "I see," he replied, watching her.

After a few minutes of silence, Kaya paused with the fork halfway to her mouth and looked over at Sai, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you have something to do, or had you planned on sitting there and observing my eating habits for another hour and a half?"

Sai stood up, giving her a little smile. "Okay. I get it," he laughed. "I'm going, don't worry." He walked to the door, pausing briefly to add, "Hey, if you've ever got a problem or anything, the rest of us are always here for you," before walking out.

Kaya set the fork down, slowly turning her gaze to the closed door and staring intently at it for a while.

_(Falling falling faster and faster with no end in sight just like the war it won't ever end)_

With a feeble cry she shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself in a protective stance. Suddenly she was freezing, waves of dizziness crashing over her. "Nnn..."

_(You're going to die and he won't feel any pain because of it he'll be happy that you're out of his life and he'll go back to that girl that girl you know who)_

Kaya was trying hard not to hyperventilate- that was the last thing she needed in space. Hyperventilating always made her head hurt.

So she didn't hyperventilate, and she didn't feel her head throb as it would have done.

Instead, a strange feeling of vertigo came over her. She opened her eyes (when had she closed them?)and took a deep breath, then another, willing the feeling to leave.

It did, and that was when she realized she was floating in the air, having pushed off her bed in her desperate attempt to shut out the

_(Curse you're cursed you always will be)_

voice that so desperately wanted to help her lose her mind.

Shivering, Kaya sat down again on her bed and looked at her food again. Suddenly she felt queasy, worse than she'd been since first boarding the ship, and had to swallow repeatedly to keep her food from making a second appearance in the gravity-less air. When she had succeeded, she let out a breath she couldn't remember holding and looked away from her food, pushing the tray away from her, appetite gone.

Sighing, she leaned forward and let her forehead rest against the wall. It felt cool against her skin. For a minute, there was a fleeting thought that maybe she had a fever, but a quick check proved that incorrect, and the thought vanished.

There came a knock on her door, tense, and she glanced at it from the corner of her eye. At the sound of Fllay's unnaturally sweet voice, she flinched.

"Kaya? Are you in there? I wanted to talk to you."

_Oh, great, what's she here for? I suppose maybe it's to throw insults at me again. Then again, maybe Kira's finally convinced her that she needs to--_

_(Hurt you- causing you pain is what she does for a living. She's going to destroy you and then take her boyfriend back, she hates you for taking Kira from her and she won't hesitate to kill you. I'll bet she's got a gun in hand waiting for you to open the door, just so she can kill you.)_

Kaya pressed a hand to her head, as though it would ward off the voice. "Shut up," she mumbled, standing shakily and turning to walk to the door. When she reached it, she paused, so that the shadow of her form wasn't visible under the door.

From the other side came Miriallia's voice. When had she gotten there? Had she just been with Fllay all along?

_Yeah, probably,_ Kaya reasoned. _I don't think that anyone would have let Fllay just come to my room alone- who knows what wrath she may have under that red hair._

"Kaya? Hey, are you awake?" Miriallia called quietly, lightly rapping on the door again. "Kaya?"

Kaya took a few silent steps backwards, just to make sure she wouldn't sound as though she'd been expecting them- which she hadn't, of course, but Fllay was known for her ability to convince people of things that weren't really true. . .

Taking a breath, she called back, "Yeah, I'm here. Come on in."

The door slid open, and Miriallia entered with Fllay, who glanced around the room and tried not to frown.

"Hey," Miriallia greeted, giving her a smile, "How are you?"

Kaya managed a grin. "You make it sound like we're on the phone or something instead of you two being in my room." Then she paused, and added, "Fllay, you wanted to talk to me about something?"

Fllay glanced over at Miriallia, who nodded. Her gaze slowly returned to Kaya. "Um...yes, yes I did." She paused. "It's about Kira."

"Oh." Kaya sat back down on the bed, motioning next to her. Obliging, Miriallia and Fllay took a seat. "What about him? I see he's quite the fighter when it comes to battling."

Miriallia flinched a little, and Fllay blanched, coughing weakly to cover it. Kaya glanced out the window, her expression a delicate frown.

_Oh no. I hit something._

"Yes, he is," Miriallia smiled uncertainly. "But...uhm...lately, he's been...I don't know... weaker. I think maybe all the fighting is taking its toll on him."

Kaya stood up. "He's not weak!" she cried.

Fllay came to Miriallia's rescue. "No-! No, he's...he's not. Just...just sit down, and we'll explain what we mean by that," she said quickly, gesturing to the bed.

Kaya frowned inwardly. _What kind of ploy is this? I sincerely doubt that Fllay and Miriallia would be working together over something like this._

_(Then again, maybe they're both concerned about Kira, and nobody else can do anything about it,)_ her brain reasoned.

"Maybe," she replied aloud, still standing.

Both girls took this as a half-and-half response to Fllay's comment, and they glanced at each other.

"Maybe? Kaya, standing won't help you think or anything," Miriallia remarked, in that same uncertain tone.

"What, you think we can't explain what we meant?" Fllay protested at the same time.

Kaya shook her head. "No! No, I- I'll sit down. I'm sure you guys can tell me what you're talking about, since you brought the whole thing up in the first place." She sat down on the bed again, tipping her head back to work out a crick in her neck. Then she looked pointedly at Fllay, gazing into her eyes. "So, what's this all about?"

Fllay glanced at Miriallia again before looking back to Kaya. "Well, he just...hasn't been himself lately. He avoids me," she admitted sadly, shaking her head.

"Not just you, Fllay," Miriallia added, "Everyone. Kuzzy, Sai and I haven't seen him since three days ago, when we- er- met- in the cafeteria. It wasn't under the best of circumstances, either- he seemed really ticked off about something. We could tell, and all of us agree that he's working himself too hard over this war."

Kaya nodded. "Well, I have to agree with you on that. All of it. Kira does seem touchier than usual, and he avoids me too, when he can help it. 'Course, training forces him to be with me, but..." She trailed off, then shook her head vehemently, realizing she'd gotten off track. "Anyway, I'm worried about him."

"Us too," Miriallia agreed.

"So, what are we going to do?" Fllay asked, twisting a lock of her hair. "I mean, we can't just go up to him and tell him that we think he's avoiding us on purpose..."

Kaya thought for a while, and neither Fllay nor Miriallia said a word, lost in their own thoughts.

A few minutes later, Kaya straightened up, snapping her fingers and making the others jump, startled.

"What, what is it?" Fllay questioned, almost eagerly. She leaned forward, as did Miriallia.

Kaya smiled. "I've got it." She retrieved her laptop and opened a word processing program, fingers flying over the keys. The others read what she had written:

**Avoidance Step No. 1**

Beside the number one, the cursor blinked expectantly. Kaya nodded to herself as she looked up at the others.

Miriallia raised an eyebrow. "I don't get it," she declared, and Fllay nodded. "What's so special about 'Avoidance Step No. 1?'"

Kaya pulled the laptop onto her lap. "Okay, here's what we're going to do. . ."

* * *

_(Whee. Cliffhanger! Fun-fun. You're welcome to make guesses on what they're going to do...and suggestions, too, since I don't even know what they're going to do yet..._

_Heh. Later.)_


End file.
